Ever-Increasing Circles

My carpet doesn't match the drapes...

2008-08-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

So today my brother-in-law and my nephew came over to help put the new carpet down in my living room. Everything was going fine until my nephew started to have a temper tantrum...AT 14 YEARS OLD! It started with him and my bro in law arguing about something about school, and escalated from there. It almost seemed like the kid was goating him. Just arguing for the sake of arguing. Eventually he started full on yelling at the kid...which i don't blame him one bit for...he was backtalking like no tomorrow. During this whole thing me and my father were right there...and even HE had to walk away. Later on in the day he said to me, 'I am so glad you and Wayne (my brother) were never like that...that kid needs some psychological help.' And i agree with him. I understand that kids will be kids, but you have to respect your parents....at least till you're 18 and mature enough to decide whether they DESERVE your respect or not. I mean i was NEVER a saint in my childhood, but i kept the disrespect and backtalking to my parents to a minium, and never at that level. I'm worried about that kids future, cause if he acts like this at 14, how is he gonna act when hes 19,20,21? You can't hold a job with an attitude like that, or even get through school like that. Maybe it's just me getting older but it seems like im having a harder time relating with the new generation. Plus their music sucks ass.

Ever-Increasing Circles

2008-07-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

There's a reason i titled this blog what it is. It seems like i just end up in the same place in life...just with longer trips to that point. That point being depression. I'm trying to shut off how i feel but its just not working this time. I feel incredibly lonely. My normal routine of hooking up with someone for a couple weeks isn't gonna work anymore. It just leaves me feeling even more empty than before. I've realized i lost the ability to hold a real relationship in my early 20's. I feel alone yet i can't bring myself to rely, trust, count on, love anybody. I don't know what to do.

Change

2008-07-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

Geez these posts get further and further apart...where to begin this time...well I moved back up closer to 'home' for financial reasons. Been here a month and i'm not sure how i feel about it quite yet. Moneywise it's great...im paying half of what i was in kinnelon but the situation isn't the same. On a personal level i feel total and utter shame for my situation now...i feel like i took 3 steps backwards. ANYway...lately i seem to be hurting the people i care about...dunno why i've been doing that and i certainly can't fix it if i don't know why i'm doing it in the first place. As far as my love life is going...its going kinda shitty to be honest. I have no motivation to date or even pursue anyone and that's not like me. It's gotten to the point where i ignore signs from OTHER women directed at me...how fucked up is that? Either way i knew from the beginning this wasn't gonna be an easy path...but i didn't expect it to be so hard. Guess it's time for a shutdown for awhile till im through this.

Today's song of the day is Opeth - The Lotus Eater

The liquid is in your throat
One hopeless delight

After all you fell in love with death,
Life has aborted.
All you've had and all you became,
The night is calling, you pray forth.

The barren waste is your land
Your crops, they were sown to die

The skin is a mirror
The eyes hollow with ignorance
Health runs from your lips
Tucked in and safe in a world of sleep

All those years caring for a liar
A benefit road that is winding higher
You're a moth too close to the fire

You are stuck in a route of confusion
Changing and waiting and seeking the truth of it all

Fleeing your sorrows
Pushing your spirit away

The weakness of the psyche
A whisper from the heart of evil luring them all into despair
Resenting the goods of a savior

And cries out
For the restless will also die

A selection culled from the damned, drawing a lifeline of one
A friend died in your room and sought the birth of a follower

O brother, you are a killer and you target yourself
I wish you had never come back for us to see the beckoning end

And the pride of a mother brought flaws in a mother's son
And the love from a father was used by a father's son

Overheard us talking in a smoke of lost hope
The language of a parting so clear and so true
Overheard us talking

Down on my knees again.

2008-04-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

So its 12:05 friday night/saturday morning and i'm not at work. Same reason as always...stomach cramps. Lately they've been getting worse...to the point that i can't function normally as seen by me not being at work. I've literally tried EVERYTHING to stop the pain. Generally during the week when i'm not at work i feel 100%, as good as i've ever felt. But EVERY SINGLE NIGHT before i have to go to work it starts up...you can literally set a watch by it. That may sound like im just trying to avoid going to work but with every sincere thread in my body that is not the case. More than anything i simply want to go to work and feel normal. Maybe it's time to go to the doctor and find out what the fuck the problem is.

Today's song of the day is Slipknot - Duality

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

It's not a bad thing.

2008-02-27T02:38:00.000-08:00

So many of my friends ask me why i'm still single...why i haven't started working on a real relationship. I always give them the same answer...'cause i love my money too much'. But that isn't the only reason. I see how miserable my married/serious relationship friends are. They always complain about this or that, and constantly look at other women. Granted every guy looks at a cute girl but sometimes i wonder if they would actually pursue cheating. I wonder if they're just trying to 'recruit' me into their miserable married men club or something. Whenever i look at myself i see a singular presence...i don't think a woman would make me any better than i am now, as far as i'm concerned it would only make me worse. Sure i get lonely sometimes but i have friends to help me with that, and sure the lack of steady sex is kinda a drag but i have opportunities i can pursue if i so choose. As far as love goes i think Al Pacino said it best in The Devil's Advocate...'What about love?' 'Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating mass quantities of chocolate.'

Today's song of the day is Dope - Always

Let's go back to the start
Like it use to be
Before you fell apart
And you blamed it on me
Back when you were my friend
Do you remember back when
All the plans that we made
Can we get back to those days

Those days come every now and again
No way I feel like this is the end but

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Let's go back to the start
Like it use to be
Before your broken heart
And your hatred for me
Back when all this began
Do you remember back then
All the plans that we made
Can we get back to those days

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Is there any wonder I'm not right
Where do we go now where do we go now
Is there any wonder you wont fight
Where do we go now where do we go now
Have there been to many wrongs to right
I'd say goodbye but

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Even my dreams have a soundtrack.

2008-02-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

So the other week i had a dream that actually had a soundtrack. I didn't think much of it cause it was a rather silly dream with a weird tracklist...Lisa Loeb followed by Fear Factory. But just now i had one with a more profound song in the background...Gin Blossoms 'Found Out About You'. Seems like this one kinda reminded me of Anna. No not Anna Paquin. I dated a girl named Anna a little after high school. It was meaningless really, i really didn't care about her much, she was more there because i was bored. Eventually i found out from her friend Melissa that she was cheating on me. That was the first time i was flagrantly cheated on, and to be honest i really didn't care. Probably because i got with Melissa not long after for yet another meaningless relationship. Eventually i got smart and detached from that group completely. The coolest thing about dating Anna was the fact that she lived next door to my old history teacher...Mr Chorney. I remember one time i was banging her and the window was open and i knew he could hear us since he was doing yardwork...so out of the blue i shouted 'MR CHORNEY YOU TAUGHT ME SO MUCH!' I'm glad i'm not all crazy like that anymore...mostly.

Todays song of the day is Gin Blossoms - Found Out About You

All last summer in case you don't recall
I was yours and you were mine forget it all
Is there a line that I could write
Sad enough to make you cry
All the lines you wrote to me were lies
The months roll past the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
Things you said and did to me
Seemed to come so easily
The love I thought I'd won you give for free
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
Rumors follow everywhere you go
Like when you left and I was last to know
You're famous now and there's no doubt
In all the places you hang out
They know your name and know what you're about
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
Street lights blink on through the car window
I get the time too often on AM radio
You know it's all I think about
I write your name drive past your house
Your boyfriend's over I watch your light go out
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you

Last post of 2007.

2007-12-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

This year blew by, didn't it? Probably not gonna be a long post but oh well. At this time on December 28th 2006 i was in a world of confusion and self pity, encapsulating every negative emotion into one giant ball of pain. I was in a world of pain, both physically and mentally. The mental pain was caused by a singular source. I'm sure you're reading this and all i can say to you is i can't say whether i can blame you or not for what you did to me, because frankly i STILL don't understand why you hurt me so deliberately. As of now my love for you is dead. It took a ton of work on my part but i'm finally over you. I just hope you realize one day that there is more than just YOU in this world, other people have feelings just like you. I'm not mad or sad at you anymore, i just pity you. I pity the path you've chosen for yourself. But ya know what? I can't put out every fire in the world...the damnation you're on a crash course with is yours to bear. Anyway...

It is now December 28th 2007, and i don't have that mental pain anymore, thank god. The physical pain is still there but not as bad. I've also realized that i don't have to be alone if i don't want to. I've begun the steps to find who i'm destined to be with. I'm gonna be 27 this year...its about time i found something stable and put some legs on my life. Unlike the past 7 years i will be looking forward to 2008. On a last note for the year, don't disregard your dreams as nonsense, dreams started me back on the right path, and they can do the same for you.

2007-12-19T00:39:00.000-08:00

The Pursuit.

2007-12-11T06:10:00.000-08:00

You lived a time of lies until you told me everything
I hope we make amends, but you don't
Life taught you how to fly and then you flew away from me
You left me haunted, star the ending image of the one

Cos they're still in you too low
All the voices you don't know
And they're still in you too low
All the choices that you chose

You harbored all the wasted sighs to define the quiet drone
I'll let you start again, but you won't
I saw you pray for change and then you walked all over me
You wanted what you could not have and now you are alone

Cos they're still in you too low
All the voices you don't know
And they're still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
Make the voices tell me who you are, and who I am to be

Are you alone wherever you are tonight?
I'm alone when you're right here
But I'm still in you somehow
I never left at all
Now I'm still in you too low
So my voice is all you know

Cos they're still in you too low
All the voices you don't know
And they're still in you too low
All the choices that you chose
Leave you nothing left to hold
When you're nothing it's a good time to remind you of one thing
The pursuit begins when this portrayal of life, ends

Thanksgiving.

2007-11-23T02:00:00.000-08:00

Little bit late but let's see what I'm thankful for...

1. The fact that i have a job, that's getting harder and harder to have these days.
2. I have enough money to fulfill my need to eat and buy geeky stuff.
3. Five Finger Death Punch
4. My ability to dodge bullets daily.
5. My family, especially my mother, if it wasn't for her i would've been dead or in jail years ago.
6. Being single, most people would see that as a negative but in my eyes it's not.
7. My friends, the real friends who stand behind me even when shit gets hard. not those plastic friends who tuck tail and run when i begin to become real. (I'm looking DIRECTLY at you!)
8. Being able to look at things in a more positive light lately.
9. Feeling like i can't move because i ate so much stuff for thanksgiving.
10. And last but not least, I'm thankful to the fact that i put this mask up for another year.

Today's song of the day is Five Finger Death Punch - The Bleeding

I remember when all the games began
Remember every little lie and every last goodbye
Promises you broke, words you choked on
and I never walked away,
it's still a mystery to me

Well I'm so empty
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me
Well you're so unclean
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred (deceiving), the beatings; it's over

Paint the mirrors black to forget you
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste
Roses in a glass, dead and wilted
To you this all was nothing
Everything to you is nothing

Well you're so filthy
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me
Well I'm so ugly
You're better off without me and I'm better off alone

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings (disaster); it's over

As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me
You're the darkest burning star, you're my perfect disease

The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings; it's over
Disaster
The lying, the bleeding, the screaming
Was tearing me apart
The hatred, the beatings; it's over
Disaster

It's over now...

Truth is a Lie.

2007-11-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

So i found out the boss of my boss...the store manager...was fired yesterday. At first this came as a shock until i found out why. A 52 year old man getting head from a 22 year old girl that works days. I'm not sure who to be more upset with, granted i knew neither of them on a personal level. I'm pissed at him for abusing his position of power in a sexual manner, and im pissed at her for using her body to keep/upgrade her job. As such, karma caught both of them and they're both on the unemployment line, and Mr. 100,000/year is more than likely gonna be divorced as well. Sure they both got what they deserved, but even from an outside perspective it's changed me. I've always had trust issues. And I've also always had a hatred for humanity as a whole. It seems all this did was strengthen that detachment and hatred. Personally if i was put in a position with say...a female boss that tried to do that to me, i couldn't go through with it. I'm too proud of a person to defile myself like that...forever. Apparently not everyone shares the same self-esteem as i do...what little i do have. One day i hope to have the chance to thank them both, for fueling my fire, and helping just a little bit on me never being able to trust, and therefore being alone forever. But NO ONE will ever take away my pride.

Give Up Your Ghost

2007-10-22T06:24:00.001-07:00

Give up your ghost don't be afraid
Little pain will go away
Give up your ghost don't be ashamed
Bite the barrel, pull the trigger

Goodbye to this cruel world, of mine
Hello to the better times

Give up your ghost don't be afraid
Little pain will go away
Give up your ghost don't be ashamed
Bite the barrel, pull the trigger

Don't claim the mess I left behind
Let the maggots choke on my mind
Don't look at me my son
Don't cry I'm finally happy...Dead

Goodbye to this cruel world of mine
Hello to the bullet in my mind

Give up your ghost don't be afraid
Little pain will go away
Give up your ghost don't be ashamed
Bite the barrel, pull the trigger

Don't scrape me from the floor oh Lord no
Let the maggots choke on my eyes
Don't take me to the other side oh Lord no
Let my soul die

Don't claim the mess I left behind
Let the maggots choke on my mind
Don't look at me my son
Don't cry I'm finally happy...Dead

fucked up huh?

God bless the almighty dollar.

2007-10-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

It's truly amazing what mankind will do for money. The pain and suffering and embarassment and social suicide people will endure for the buck. Take for instance the porn industry. Here we have all the women who can't amount to anything in the real world, be it from lack of schooling, lack of skills, lack of motivation or a little of it all. So they decide to take the easy way out and starve themselves so they can be in the low budget adult film industry until they can raise up the 5000$ for tit implants so they can get into the AAA porn industry. The question is why not? Mankind invented abortions for those accidents in front of the camera. What's the big deal about cold blooded murder when the Almighty Dollar is involved? Men are no better. Men do vile things to make money. Look at the war. Thousands of people dying for money. Then there's people who kill for money, hired hitmen...yes they still exist. Is there no self respect anymore in this world? Is everyone hell-bent on selling out to make money? In my opinion once you sell out what you believe in to make more money you're already dead, because you singlehandedly killed what made you who you are, your defiant side, the side compelled to not be pushed around. I truly feel bad for those people.

Todays song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - The Almighty Dollar

It's in the life that we lead
Set up for money and greed
A little isn't enough, we have to use it all up
Success - Excess, the truth is inconvenient

Oh hang your head
Pillaged and left us for dead
You kept us blind and mislead
How could you think nothing's wrong
You won't be smiling for long
When it's
All gone
Gone
We can never go back

Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come down
Turn your head away ignore the fear
Watching the ice crash down

[Chorus:]
Our father's justice gets closer
How could you screw us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar
The almighty dollar
Poison the air that we breathe
Chained to industrial need
Destroy the souls that you steal - the radiation is real
Debate - Too late
You've built our funeral pyre
You kill my faith
Mother earth, desecrate
Deceive the whole human race
I know you think nothing's wrong
We won't be breathing for long
When it's
All gone
Gone
We can never go back
Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come down
Turn your head away ignore the fear
Watching the ice crash down

[Chorus:]
Our father's justice gets closer
How could you fuck us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar
Death, doom and disaster
The point of no return
No earthly life ever after
Is it too late to learn?
Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come
Our father's justice gets closer
How could you fuck us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar
the almighty dollar

why ask why?

2007-09-29T06:33:00.001-07:00

For the past few months i've been feeling really good, almost to the point of happy. But i think i realized why i don't feel so shitty. I've become numb. Shitty things are still happening, but i don't care. Good things happen and yet i still don't care. Come to think of it...i really haven't cared about anything in a long time. I did and still do care about Her though...that seems to be the variable. Bottom line...i'm not hurting anymore because i don't even feel it, and i'm fine with that.

Today's song of the day is In Flames - Come Clarity

Rushing to thirty
Getting older every day... by two
Drawing pictures of innocent times
Can you add color... inside these lines?

[Chorus x2:]
I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Don't want to live
In a dream... one more day

Sure it would change my perspective
I'm certain I would change today
I'm certain it would change our ways
Would things fall into place?

I want you to lead me
Take me somewhere
Just don't want to live
In a dream one more day

hi!

2007-09-03T06:00:00.001-07:00

I LOVE MY BFF A!

The worst thing about the person of your dreams....is when they become a real person.

2007-08-13T12:36:00.001-07:00

One of the bad things about mixing personal life with online games is that invisible line. The line that separates the person on the screen and the person behind the screen. It would be a lie for anyone to say that they act exactly as they do online. The anonymity is almost like the inhibition release you get from alcohol. It allows you to be more promiscuous, more rude, more outgoing in some cases. Yet therein lies the culmination of that web of white lies and false truths. Mixing real life and online life is always a gamble. How can you be so sure the person that says they know you actually understands YOU and not your avatar? I'll be honest, X and myself have quite a few differences. Well maybe not that many, but its enough to call it a difference. Perhaps this way of thinking prevents me from really opening up to people online. Sometimes i wonder why bother? Sometimes i think like the layperson and consider friendships exclusively online are kinda sad. But then i realize these are still REAL people i talk to. They all open their eyes in the morning (or at night) and feel the tightness of their muscles and the blinding first light, stretching a bit and getting out of bed to live their lives, whatever they choose it to be. They still have fears and joys and passions and needs just like i do. They still inhabit a slowly dying husk of flesh destined to decay. (oh how i always get so morbid, its what i do best) But the truth of it is...they're people too, so why shouldn't they know Bill instead of X if they want to? And here we come to the point of this post. I am not X. X is just an image that i choose to project of myself. He is very, very based on me, but he still isn't me. So whoever wants to know me on a more personal level needs to realize they want to meet Bill...not X. X is not someone to like or even love, because he will let you down when he disappears and Bill surfaces. Been there done that still suffering.

Today's song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - Demon Alcohol

I'm sick and tired of your excuses
Can't deal with living anymore
I'll give you reasons to continue
While you lie writhing on the floor

I'll wash away your lies
And have you hyptotized
There'll be no compromise today
I'll share your life of shame
I think you know my name
I'll introduce myself today

I'm the demon alcohol (demon alcohol)
I'll get you

If you could deal with your reflection
I'm sure you'd see into my eyes
There'll be no need for resurrection
Let's drink to people of the lies

Although that one's too much
You know ten's not enough
There'll be no compromise today
I'll watch you lose control
Consume your very soul
I'll introduce myself today

I'm the demon alcohol (demon alcohol)
Ha ha, demon alcohol (demon alcohol)
Let's party

I'm sick and tired of resolutions
You've quit me time and time again
Don't speak of suicide solutions
You took my hand, I'm here to stay

This time it's you or me
I'll never set you free
There'll be no compromise today
So satisfy your lust
Too much can't be enough
I'll introduce myself today

I'm the demon alcohol (the demon alcohol)
Ha ha, demon alcohol, (the demon alcohol)
Let's party

The world doesn't owe you a fucking thing.

2007-07-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

I can't stand people that think the world owes them something. Be it something trivial or something detrimental...you are not going to be handed shit in this world. 'I want a thank you! I want to be recognized!' grow the fuck up and focus on whats important. The real world isn't gonna shake your hand and praise you...unless its getting ready to spit in your face. I've noticed this trend alot in women. Don't get me wrong im not sexist or anything...i have alot of female friends that i hold in higher regard than my male friends...but i constantly see women thinking 'hey! i have a set of tits! i should be treated better than others!' Then you have these self proclaimed 'feminists'. The ones who scream for equality and to be treatedthe same and paid the same wages men do. Anata wa tako. Until your gender can get past using your sexuality to achieve what you want you will wade in the stagnant side of the pool. Man im really bashing women...i should stop.

Today is the 4th of July....Independence Day. What exactly are we celebrating? Back in 1776 we were beginning the process of building the USA into the most powerful country in the world. And now that same country is being eaten from the inside. Illegal immigration is destroying us. Everywhere i turn i see a mexican...and when i see a mexican i see a homeless unemployed american. I heard that immigrants are fighting to have Spanish as the official language in the US. What the fuck is that?? This is America...when we finally became independent English was our preferred language...why should that change now? This is still OUR country. If i ever assumed the role of President the first law i would try and enact would be 'No other language is to be spoken in public except English.' It would be a ticketable offense. In reality, when you see a pack of mexicans or puerto ricans or asians or whatever speaking chinese/spanish/korean/japanese...you honestly don't know if they're planning your murder...right in front of you. This country is in trouble and its only gonna get worse. But heaven forbid you dont get your fucking 'Thank you'.

Todays song of the day is Exodus - Deathamphetamine

Life spent with lips on glass
Another hit, just one more blast
How long can you make it last?
Hit the pipe and vaporize
Feel the rush, so energized
Your lungs begin to crystalize
Try to stem the tide
From another five day ride
Don't you know you're dead inside?
The world spins out of control
All amped up, no where to go
A glass house is all you know

[Chorus]

Poison cloud hangs in the air
Breathe it deep, your only care
It's a nightmare, not a dream
Deathamphetamine!

Spun and sleep deprived
The calender burns before your eyes
Another hit, for now revived
So many sleepless nights
Only wet your appetite
Strike a match, the torch ignites
See the shards start cracking back
Watch them turn your world to black
While waiting for the heart attack
All your dreams are dead and gone
I tell you now, it won't be long
Before death ends this marathon

[Chorus]

[Solo: Gary]
[Solo: Lee]

Withered and sucked up
You're wasting away
Eyes sunked deep in you skull
You care not about yourself
Nor any other
Only if the pope is full
Lick your lips
As you hover around the glass
Anxiously awaiting your turn
Depressed and paranoid
It's all gone to hell
Inhale as your world burns
Lost everything you own
Now waiting by the telephone
For the dope man to come home
All your friends and family
Are sickened by your need for speed
Only driven to exceed
So many years, so little time
For you, to halt your life's decline
You're not to read the signs
Everything has come unwound
You've got to turn this shit around
Before you're six feet underground

Grace.

2007-06-29T03:09:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living under a rock i'm sure you heard about the Chris Benoit tragedy. People are asking me why this is bothering me so much. Of course i have the normal humane sadness over 2 innocent lives being taken. I don't feel any sadness for him killing himself because god knows i can understand that, but to take your wife and.........7 year old son down with you...i can't wrap my head around that. Someone said that maybe the reason its bothering me so much is because he had what i want, a wife and a kid, a family of my own. Being able to throw it all away like that is so foreign to me. People are terrible, capable of such terrible things. Sometimes i think i'm a bad person, but after this whole thing went down i feel like i'm really not so bad.

Todays song of the day is Stone Sour - Sillyworld

Freedom's just a word today
Freedom's just a word
When someone takes your word away it's seldom ever heard
So take a sentence full of things you're not supposed to say
Carry on, but don't write it down or you'll be gone

Love is just a song today
Love is just a song
When someone takes the song away
you seldom sing along
So take those lyrics serious and sing your life away
Carry on, but don't write 'em down or they'll be gone

All we ever do is talk
We like to ride but we never walk
We make it so damn easy
We get bored
Why can't anybody see what's good for you is good for me
I can't take your sillyworld
I can't take your sillyworld no more

Peace is just two fingers now
Peace was just a phase
When someone put it on a shirt
you knew to count the days
So take those fingers tape 'em up and shove 'em up your ass and carry on
but don't try it now cause peace is gone

All we ever do is talk
We like to ride but we never walk
We make it so damn easy
We get bored
Why can't anybody see what's good for you is bad for me
I can't take your sillyworld
I can't take your sillyworld no more

We fight our instincts
We go to extremes
We fight our instincts
We go to extremes

Slackjaw

2007-06-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

I don't normally do this but im devoting a post to a single song. I listen to a ton of new music, and very rarely does one song really speak to me and put me in a trance...but this song did.

Element Eighty - Slackjaw

No, don't mock me
Don't you look at me, pity me, feel for me
It's okay
look down on me
cause now you're born again, dead again so
now to my face you lie to me
Don't sit there and tell me
you just want to be my friend
don't lie to me
don't sit there and judge me..you don't wanna face yourself
don't lie to me
don't sit there and test me I don't have the patience now
don't lie to me
don't lie to me

All the times I've seen your face
never thought I could erase
and now I watch it slip away
you can never take my place
I don't want this..I don't need this
I will never go away
I leave this all to you to live inside you till you die

No don't mock me
don't you point at me, laugh at me, turn on me
It's okay
look down on me
I will always be what you see so
now to my face you lie to me
don't sit there and tell me
you just want to be my friend
don't lie to me
don't sit there and judge me..you don't wanna face yourself
don't lie to me
don't sit there and test me
I don't have the patience now
don't lie to me
don't lie to me

All the times I've seen your face
never thought I could erase
and now I watch it slip away
you can never take my place
I don't want this..I don't need this
I will never go away
I leave this all to you to live inside you till you die

All the times I need you
you are never there
All the times I need you
you are never there
All the times I need you
you are never there
All the times I need you
you are never there
All the times I need you
you are never there
All the times I need you
you are never there

All the times I've seen your face
never thought I could erase
now I watch it slip away
you can never take my place
I don't want this..I don't need this
I will never go away
I leave this all to you
cause you can never take me..me..me
you'll never take me..me..me
you'll never take me

We're on the road to nowhere, and no one knows the way.

2007-06-12T02:31:00.000-07:00

So its been weeks since i've done any illegal substances...which is pretty cool. Although i've been drinking far more than usual...seems like every couple days i get shit-faced now. Not quite sure whats bothering me to the point of wanting to get fucked up all the time. I guess alot of things are, for instance the situation at work. Stupid bullshit is happening and i have a feeling a few of my friends are gonna be looking for a job soon...and there ain't much i can do about it. Oh and it's my birthday on friday and i think i'm having a mid-life crisis...at 26! Alot of people are saying i need to grow up and be more responsible. Some of them seem to be joking around but there is truth in any joke. My mom says i need to stop messing around with girls and actually find one to stick with. I know what they're saying, but do i really need to grow up? I retain enough sense of responsibility while still having fun and acting young...why do i need to change that? It seems like i would be doing that to appease other people and anyone that knows me knows i dont do a damn thing to please anyone else. I am who i am, like me/love me/hate me if you want. But sometimes i wonder whats gonna happen if i don't grow up fully. Am i gonna be one of those 30-somethin guys that has a 22 year old insecure girlfriend with no future? Well its time for Mr. McUgly Pants to wait for the hands of time to age him even more. (btw fuck you for coining that nickname)

Today's song of the day is In Flames - Dead End...god i can't get enough of male/female vocal duets

Save all your prayers
I think we lost today
There's no morning after
And no one's around to blame

I'm not afraid to bleed
But I won't do it for you
We'll start among hypocrites
The melody of our time

[Chorus:]
So say goodbye to the world
We are the dead can't walk the earth
Scream your lungs out
Wait for laughter
You don't have to wait forever
It's the next disaster!

What decides when you've lost the war
When the first man falls?
Or when they erase it all?

We're too numb to feel
The downfall starts here
Hold your breath and swim
Swallowed my life's tear

In times of make believe
No one really seems to care
Maybe I should care less
'Cause I will die too

[Chorus]

What will it take for us to realize
The more we provoke
Winter will come twice

Save all your prayers
I think we lost today
There's no morning after
And no one's around to blame

Scream you lungs out
Wait for laughter
You don't have to wait forever
Here's the next disaster! [2x]

sex, responsibilty and gummi bears

2007-05-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

Been a long time since i posted on this. Probably cause everything is kinda bleh. Well maybe not 'bleh' but nothing really exciting is happening lately, other than being handed the responsibilty of a bunch of my friends...which is kinda scary but it's all good. Guess i can't complain about how things are going, i seem to be doing pretty well as far as the things i've been beating myself up over. I guess time really does heal all wounds. Ok on to the geek update...i got level 64 in WoW and i have a new dead horse! And i found out PSP is the single greatest invention in the history of mankind...besides Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat of course. Well for now i need to call Wachovia and tell them to go fuck themselves with a broken bottle...and since i know you're readin this...love ya baby...sorry bout the whiskey dick............................................ummm...............yeah gonna shut up now.

Todays song of the day is Megadeth - 1000 Times Goodbye

The tides of change pulled us apart
I feel a familiar pain
It seems like years since we've loved
Or even liked and that's a lonely way to be

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I will never take you back

[Solo - Pitrelli]

You know what? It's over
I just don't feel the same way as I used to
We've been together forever, but it's over

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

It seems nothing good is free
A good thing cost much more than the price
You were good but not that good
Don't kid yourself now it's time to beak up

Drifting alone in a sea of agony
Your face I can't recognize
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away

I did no right you did no wrong
Nothing left but wasted days
I regret you leaving
But I'll never take you back

[Solo - Pitrelli]

Don't call me anymore. It's just not.
I don't feel the same way about you
Its not as good as it used to be

Goodbye 1000 times goodbye
The thought never crossed my mind
That this would be my last goodbye
Let me put pennies on your eyes
And kiss your lips one last goodbye
My love 1000 times goodbye

[Solo - Mustaine]

I'll always love you but just not like that
Like what?
I want to be honest with you I met someone else
You did what?
And I really, I really love him like I used to love you
Remember the time that I told you that
I was going out of town for business?
Well I went to see him
You know what? You suck!

[Solo - Mustaine]

Goodbye 1000 times
You'll always have a special place
In my heart you know that
It's just I can't be with you anymore it's over
Goodbye 1000 times
Things may not work out with him
Goodbye 1000 times
And if they don't
Goodbye 1000 times
Then I'll certainly call you
Goodbye 1000 times
You mean a lot to me
I still really want to be friends with you
I love you like you're my brother

Relapse.

2007-05-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

I expected this. This feeling of emptiness overwhelming me again. In the past hour i finally took in the seriousness of knowing i'm going to die young. I realized i will never have a wife, or children. Things happen in weird ways. When i'm at my highest i get knocked down. And in that reason alone i do not believe in God. If He existed why is he making me suffer at every turn? Why did He give me this shit set of cards? Why does He fucking tease me? He puts what i need most at my fingertips, lets me take in the scent, and rips it away from me. My prison will forever be an unloaded gun...

Today's song of the day is Papa Roach - Forever

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are Haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her...he'll never forgive her...
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl... little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine-in this moment I'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven..this broken heart of mine
One last kiss before I go
Dry your tears, it is time to let you go
One last kiss

Relinquish.

2007-05-03T05:28:00.000-07:00

For so many years i did what my significant others wanted. I changed and molded to adapt to what they wanted. A recurring thing i dealt with alot was being made to feel guilty about sex. A certain person was very bad about it. She actually made me feel like a bad person for wanting her sexually. When we finally did do our thing i always felt immediate guilt...like i did something wrong. One of my more recent relationships saw me being pushed to not do the things i enjoy...namely drinking. Mind you i rarely drink to get drunk, but even 1 or 2 drinks and i knew she was disappointed. But that doesn't bother me now, because i know that girl was out to destroy me. Now i'm finally being accepted for everything i am. So i like to drink sometimes, she doesn't mind. So i still have the sex drive of a 17 year old, she embraces it. So i sometimes get a little crazy and my mind goes in 8 directions, she still follows me. And i accept her for all her faults. I think i finally found someone that fits me perfectly.

Today's song of the day is Walls of Jericho - No Saving Me

Inside these broken lines
A disruption of our lives
Insanity kicks in
And all I see is another dead end
So close your eyes
And escape from what you hide

How long will I take to bleed
There is no saving me
How far will you go to hold on

I'm better off cutting my own throat
In hope for once
That you might hear me
I know I can at least count
On the mess never judging me
I'm breaking out from all I've come to be

Alone I've gone through hell
And back hell and back to try to feel
And there is no saving me

My heart is no longer mine...it's yours.

2007-04-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since i posted here...i guess i'm more inspired to write when things are going bad. It's 9pm and i'm about to get ready for work again...2nd day back after vacation and thank god...i didn't have to 'dehumanize.' Something i never expected to happen happened. This terrible horrible rotten person that i am has been seen for what i truly am. The passion that was poisoned months ago is being cleansed. I want to wake up again. I'm finding peaceful sleep again. I was so close to being completely destroyed these past 7 months...but i rise up again, not alone. You know who you are....thank you so much.

"The night is my own, the night is my throne.
I can devour anything, for tonight i am not alone."

Spoke in the Wheel

2007-04-16T04:21:00.001-07:00

Lord, I Question Whether I've had my fill
Lord, I Question whether I can take much more
you may laugh as I lay here bleeding
no more afters or befores

Some day you'll know just how I feel
you left me there twice before
Some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

so you say im just another dollar
so you say I'm just another day yeah
once my blood was strong but now its jaded and its thin
unlike you I can still tell right from wrong

some day you'll know just how it feels
while you left me there twice before
some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

some day you'll know just how it feels
while you left me there twice before
some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

Reinvention.

2007-04-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Gonna keep it short and sweet. I'm actually happy now. I feel more complete than i have in years. But with that happiness comes a new challenge...a challenge i'm willing to deal with.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Black....this is for you

Hey... oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...
Uh huh... uh huh... ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine

Reflection.

2007-04-08T23:35:00.001-07:00

Surprisingly my depression seems to still be taking a backseat. I've felt pretty good the past month. I'm hoping i actually may be beating this thing...but i'm always prepared for it to come back with a vengence. I'm beginning to trust again. Probably the most incredible thing to happen this past few weeks is starting to talk to Heather. It's so awesome to have a girl to talk to where there is no tension or need to impress. I think that's just what i needed...someone sweet i can talk to that i have no interest in 'going too far' with. It's funny how you have to talk certain ways to people. For instance i have to talk to Shel a certain way because of what she is to me...not to say i'm hiding things or being dishonest...it's just i have to say what i want to say in certain ways. Mo is kinda the same way...but not for the same reasons. I have to be really careful with her as to not give her the wrong idea. I do see that she seems somewhat interested in me...but that will not happen. But it's totally different with Heather, there's just none of that tension...she's a friend that i'm beginning to trust, and that's the one thing that's gonna help me stave off this sadness for at least a little longer.

Today's song of the day is Testament - Alone In The Dark

When I was but very young
Sorcerers came to claim my mind
Leaving death and hatred to unmask
The master of the game had won
And let his final sin be known
Killing those who stand in his path

Alone in the dark
Where the demons are torturing me
The dark passages of revenge is all that I see

Armies of witches
Are called in from the north
Murders of elders occur
The high priest of evil
Has lowered his iron fist
Thousands of people will die

The slaughter of the innocent
The house is burning
That lights the sky
My nightmare has begun to unfold
The hissing of the cobras tongue
Sound and feel of ripping flesh
Fall two thousand feet from the sky

My terror has controlled my life and
Let my only weakness known
I got to rid this hell from my head
I fight off evil sorcerers
Rid my mind of his torture and
Meet the falling angel in his realm

Faustus prepares the legions of the night
Diviners from the far north arrive
Aimlessly people there huddled in a pack
Wreaking deadly havoc on mankind

I fall in my deepest sleep
To meet the evil asteroth
His title is the grand duke of hell
I fight until the end is near
To rid my mind of hopes and fears
My destination lies in my dreams

SET ME FREE

I am self-made.

2007-04-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

People are a product of their environment. Successful people are generally brought up in a well-bred, stable household. Unsavory people are usually brought up in the opposite. I've met many people in my 25 years on this shitball we call Earth, and unlike most people i look deeper into people than others do. Most take people at face value. For instance...Matt. He was brought up in a home with both parents present, steady income, no worries about bills and the like during his childhood...and now he's a pilot making quite a bit of money, and is apparently happy with his girlfriend. Now we look at Steve. Brought up in a broken home. Mother and father constantly fighting. at 15 his father left. He spent a good 7 years off the grid, so to speak. Just now he's beginning to get his life in order...and im proud of him. And now we come to the point of this post...my critique of myself. I was raised in a similar place as Steve was. My mother was always good to me...but i cannot say the same about my father and brother. My brother had the idea that since i was the youngest i was the 'favored' one. I guess that may have been true on some levels. But his reactions to things that happened over the years were not good to say the least. And now it stands i don't talk to him unless i have to. My father. For the first 12 years of my life he was an asshole...but a sober asshole. In one night my entire childhood was shattered. I'm not going to get into that because frankly...i don't want to. Bottom line, he was now an asshole with alcohol to fuel him. I heard stories about what he used to do to my brother and sister before i was born. Sometimes i wonder why he never got that bad with me. He used to hit me when i did something REALLY bad...mostly before i was 16. After that he really never tried to get physical with me again...probably because at that point i was alot bigger than he was. I'm sure my mother drilled into him...'He's not like Wayne or Kim...he will take your head off if you try anything physical.' and thats true. I have never known hatred other than for my father. So at that point i was left with the emotional abuse...which in my mind is far worse than getting beat. That went on for years...until i was around 19 and my mother and i decided it was time to leave. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father went to work at 5am. We had to pack all of our things and load it into a U-Haul before 4pm. It was quite alot of work...you don't realize how much stuff you truly have until you move. I remember towards the end of that packing up my more delicate stuff, guitars, amps, pc, and putting them in my car. I got into my car and looked out the window at the house i lived in for 13 years, and i got choked up. I woul've cried if the wave of anger didn't strike me at that moment. Anger for the bastard who took it all away from us. A couple years later i drove through my old neighborhood to see what my old house looks like....completely unrecognizable. Since then i've spoken to my father once...and that was not even expected. I went into the deli to get a pack of smokes and i don't notice him standing at the other counter. He says 'cant even say hi to your own father?' I get my cigs and as im walking out i say 'i only have one thing to say to you...fuck you.' and left. I am truly amazed i turned out so well considering what i've had to endure. I have a decent job, good friends, and i know i can love. The 3 people that have known and been with me the whole ride i feel i should thank. So thank you Maureen, Steve, and Shel. I wouldn't have turned out so sweet without you guys.

Today's song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - Gets Me Through

I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
I have a vision that I just can't control
I feel I've lost my spirit and sold my soul
Got no control

I try to entertain you the best I can
I wish I'd started walking before I ran
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah
It gets me through yeah

The feelings that I hide behind
Sometimes reality's unkind
The nightmares stalk for me at night
I dread the long and lonely nights

I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah

'I lost my phone number...can i have yours?'

2007-03-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

'This is the most fucked up crew i've run in the past 18 years'

2007-03-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

So said Aldo, my boss. That's the truth. I've decided to create a reality TV show based on our night crew. Obviously it'll be aired on HBO or Cinemax. I took a look from the outside and realized how funny our crew is from an outsiders perspective. Example...i'm in charge of nicknaming new people. I've come up with quite a few. Bullet for Joey, he thought it was because he did his job so quickly, so i told him 'no, its because you'd work better with a bullet in your fuckin head.' Jerry i named Faggot because im convinced he wants to suck me off...and i'm scared. Carls name was easy...he's this short fat guy that doesn't talk too much...so he is known as Hot Karl. Floyd i nicknamed Uncle Dizzle cause he hooks me up with some good shit, plus hes a great guy. Joe-bot got his name from his robotronic movements, and he looks like me....in 20 years. Chicken-butt...the dyke we had for a few weeks that i tried to fuck...before i found out she was a carpet licker. Her name was determined by the fact that when she walked her ass didnt go from side to side...it went in a circle. But the fact of the matter is i love that crew. I have a blast with them...and as of now theyre the only ones that can make me actually cry laughing, and the only reason i'm still working there.

Today's song of the day is Pantera - Suicide Note Pt. 2

Out of my mind,
gun up to the mouth
No pretension, execution, live and learn , rape and turn
Fret not family,
nor pre-judged army
This is for me,
and me only, cowards only
Try it

[Chorus]
Don't you try to die, like me
It's livid and it's lies and makes graves
Graves descending down

It's not worth the time to try, to replenish a rotting life
I'll end the problem, facing nothing, fuck you off, fuck you all
Tortured history, addict of misery, this exposes me
for weakness is a magnet - watch me do it

[Chorus]

Why would you help anyone who doesn't want it,
doesn't need it, doesn't want your shit advice
when a mind's made up to go ahead and die?
What's done is done and gone, so why cry?

My misery has been formulated into an equation of 9.

2007-03-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today i woke up and felt rested...a feeling i haven't had in a long time. I really do feel so much better this past week. I'm actually looking forward to things again. The best part is i feel better without the aid of substances. I guess its a good thing i never had to take medication for my depression. I think the most important part of feeling better is being able to put a face to my depression. As of now...9:10pm 3/22/07 i have hope. I realize now that love isn't a necessity to happiness.

Today's song of the day is Metallica - To Live is to Die

When a Man Lies He Murders
Some Part of the World
These Are the Pale Deaths Which
Men Miscall Their Lives
All this I Cannot Bear
to Witness Any Longer
Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation
Take Me Home

An eventful 2 weeks.

2007-03-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

Where do i start? At the beginning i suppose. So last week during the major cold snap i noticed my drivers side tire was losing air...so naturally i fill it up. 2 days later...dead flat. Fix-a-Flat. No good. Throw the spare on and drive to ETD to get a new pair of tires. $220 bucks. All is well with the world...until i notice my oil pressure dropping really badly. Bring car to the shop...another 200 bucks. So for 5 days i was without wheels. Thank god Mo was willing to stay here and help me out with getting to work. Thanks hun i'll repay ya somehow. What i learned from this whole ordeal is a couple things...first off the people who really are willing to go out of their way and help me out, and how things happen for a reason. If February actually happened i wouldn't have had any money saved up...and i would be completely fucked right now. And lastly...the one thing i learned that really matters...i'm beginning to heal. I'm not tormented at night by dreams of her anymore. Excommunication was the answer. And now i know who i really do love. You know who you are. The one whos been behind me the past 7 years. Thank you.

Today's song of the day is Mastodon - Colony of Birchmen

This forest is growing faster than I can tell
Cell structure eats away at a massive swell
Seems however I'm a victim of circumstance
Hunt for ogres and dwarfs
Lion slicer
Run with death
Run with death
White faces coming closer with every step
Earth envelopes taking breath without happenstance
Carve my teeth out ripping through the sheep's head curse
Hunter gatherer
Ridden from the cave
Run with death
Run with death
Gone away
My heart's gone away
Taking everything
My heart's gone away
Take it now
Hunt for ogres and dwarfs
Lion slicer
Run with death
Run with death
Gone away
My heart's gone away
Taking everything
My heart's gone away
Take it now

'I'm not crazy' 'This is a private office, everything is confidental' 'Well then, confidentially, i'm fucking crazy'

2007-03-16T03:18:00.000-07:00

2 seperate people called me crazy yesterday. I used to think that i was always a little tweaked out...but crazy? Nah. ALOT of my friends have told me lately that i've changed, that i'm being more aggitated and 'emo'. They're right, i see it myself. I can pinpoint exactly when things spiraled out of control...September. A friend of mine told me i should give it up on these 'crazy bitches' and find myself a normal girl to settle down with...she's right. Granted im attracted to that 'craziness' i do need to find someone that truly grounds me. Not someone that makes me forget by seduction or telling me lies that i want to hear. And therein lies the problem...my biggest problem is attracting the 'normal' girls. I have no trouble at all getting play from the depressed, mentally unstable, call them what you will. I guess i have a new challenge ahead of me. And for those 2 people who decided that i'm crazy...fuck you...i was in love...but the symptoms were the same.

Today's song of the day is Opeth - Hope Leaves

In the corner beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason
I'd never notice
A memory that could hold me back

There is a wound that's always bleeding
There is a road I'm always walking
And I know you'll never return to this place

Gone through days without talking
There is a comfort in silence
So used to losing all ambition
Struggling to maintain what's left

Once undone, there is only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
Force the darkness unto me

Relocation.

2007-03-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be changing the address to this blog...seems to be too obvious for people that i dont really want to see my blog to find it...if you are a continued reader get in touch with me and ill give you the new address.

EDIT: fuck that i'm not changing the address...i have nothing to hide.

Today's song of the day is Testament - Troubled Dreams

Troubled dreams
Of a wandering nomad
Damned to be all by myself I travelled far
Following bright stars
Through the endless desert sands
Starring off into the sky
Down on Myself
Loneliness brings my demise
Oh,what a nightmare
Here we go
Leave me be
Why must I please them
When I can't even please myself
Deep in thoughts
But I still feel so
Lost in endless despair
Starring off into the sky
Down on myself
Loneliness brings my demise
Oh,what a nightmare
Here we go
As you soon realize
The nights so black I feel blind
Should I keep wandering on
On and on and on
There's just one thing you should know
No I can't take it no more
Two wrongs don't make it right
Right or wrong I can't take it
And in the end you will find
Find me a peace of mind
Forever lost
Severing my thoughts
From the dream I must seek
Time to end
This aggravation
The nomad spirit lives in me

Troubled Dreams Pt. IV

2007-03-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Time for another dream. This one is about Mo. Simple dream really. I was driving in the old neighborhood and i drove past her house. Flash. I'm sitting on her floor playing my guitar while shes laying on the couch watching TV. She waves me to come closer to her...so i go and sit up against the bottom of the couch. She says no and pats the seat of the couch. I sit down. She puts her hand on my chest and guides me down to lay with her. She takes a bit of my hair in her hand and begins to twirl it between her fingers. Then she looks into my eyes and says 'you take a long time to forgive' and goes to kiss me. i tilt my head so she misses my lips and i brush her hair off of her neck and begin to kiss it. Then i wake up.

my summary : Dreams are a portal into what you dont want to believe or cant see...what i gather from that dream is i still dont love her, but she can still seduce me...thats the reasoning behind the evasion of the kiss. Seduction is NOT what i need right now, and neither is she.

Today's song of the day is Anthrax - Only

Everything is perfect
Everything is sick, that's it
You can't tell me to stop it
You can't tell me not to quit, that's it

Revolve around yourself
It's you and no one else
Hard for me to stay
Swinging moods that change
From calmness to deranged
Unpredictable, unpredictable

You would see if
Only
You hadn't taken things out of my hands
Only
You never wanted to understand

Clasing ways to live here
Compromise for me
I'm at both ends of the spectrum
You're somewhere in the between
Ah, come clean

Crucified, terrified, sacrifice, my whole life
If only...
I can't contain myself
I can't contain myself
I just can't take myself

Rebirth.

2007-03-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

This depression has to end. I can't rely on anyone else to help me with it...so i will look to myself, the only person i can trust. I'm tired of beating myself up over failed relationships when i was backed into a corner. You all will see what i really am now. Call me a womanizer. Call me a junkie. Call me what you want. I will be Me. My spirit will remain strong. My ideals will remain intact. My views on life will remain the same. As of now i will reroute my pain...into my drive. This is for me and me alone. I might be selfish but fuck you...its about time i worried about myself. Fuck the Thousand Suns.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Immortality

vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

Perspective

2007-03-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

All my problems have been put in perspective. Pete never told any of us his court date. He's now in jail...with a bail of $2000. That's roughly all of my savings since the beginning of the year. It's time for yet another decision. I already know the original plan for the money i was gonna save this year is not going to happen. My new plan was to go west...Arizona maybe. I just now see what has been happening to me...my mind has been clouded by those 2 people. The choice was put in front of me, something familiar, or continue to chase. I've made my decision. I choose neither. I'd rather be alone than to deal with Sarah's bullshit, and id rather die than be betrayed by Mo again. So here i am. Alone. With nothing but my friends. The ones that truly care about me. I'm just pissed off that i wasted so much time on her. I really should've learned from Anna and saw it coming, come to think of it...i did see it coming from the beginning. It was damned from the beginning for one singular reason...a reason i will never say. Such is my life. I learned one lesson from all of this...i will NEVER write a song for a girl again.

Today's song of the day is The Veil

2007-03-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

I am a terrible person. All i do is hurt people.

Troubled Dreams Pt. III

2007-03-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

Round and round we go. This time it was about her. I used to consider dreams about her beautiful...now they're nightmares. I wouldn't consider this a sex dream...more of a fucking tease of what should be. I dreamt she called me and told me she was sick, so naturally i went there and took care of her. I was laying next to her and she started kissing me...straddled me and kissed me deeper. Then i woke up. I need a fucking bullet in my head.

Today's song of the day is Unloco - Failure

Troubled Dreams Pt. II

2007-03-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

As expected the dreams continue to get worse. Last nights dream was that i was in jail for 5 years for a crime i didn't commit. I remember being in my cell alone...cot in the corner...cross on the wall...and going to see my mom who was the only one that would visit me. I've noticed my dreams lately have had a recurring theme. Being trapped somewhere or in a situation. I'd like to know where these dreams are coming from.

Onto another topic...apparently it's my annual 'Everything is Gonna Break' week. Last year my ps2 broke, my water pump broke, and my turn signal wand doohickey thing broke. This year so far my watch died and my tire mysteriously went flat, probably due to the super cold weather this week...which begs the question...whats next to break? That is all.

Today's song of the day is Scum of the Earth - The Devil Made Me Do It

Troubled Dreams

2007-03-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

Well my nightmares are getting worse...my old escape of sleep even haunts me. Most of the dreams are nonsense...but yesterdays was really bad. There wasn't anything particularly scary or bad about it, it was one of those dreams where i was desperatly trying to wake up and i couldn't. I'm a free-spirited person and being trapped like that is the worst thing in the world for me. When i finally did wake up i felt really weird. Like i was still dreaming for a good 30 minutes. And thats all i have to say today.

Today's song of the day is Six Feet Under - This Poison Hand

I'm nothing like your father.

2007-03-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

Late night post so it won't make much sense. Actually i don't have much to say except the people i want to understand me don't, and the ones that i don't want to understand me do. The one that does understand me scares me...because she sees things i do not want people to see about me. The main one that doesn't understand me sees things in me that aren't there, hence the title of this post. I think the biggest question in my mind is...'which one of us is going to end up with this chipped bone?'...the one constant.

Today's song of the day is 3 - Queen, which comes complete with the lyrics since they're so deep

Torn apart
Begging the forgiveness of your heart
No words can provide
Ours is a deeper truth inside
You called me out
Now all the tides are turning us to doubt

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

Blown away
Blinded in the brightness of our day
No lens can provide
Ours is a vision deep inside
Still you call me out
Now the tides are turning us to doubt

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

In the mirror glass
Watch the world drift past too fast
And deep inside
You know I'd die
The perfect love
The meaning of the poem is true
It imitates your life
The wind blows over the wall tonight, my love

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

P.S. nothing in the world is cooler than watching mo play the rhythm to 'Fade to Black' while i slip into the song with the lead and jam on the whole song out of the blue.

Where is your Faith now?

2007-03-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

So i was talking to Steve last night, about Matt. Apparently he's lost. Lost in his girlfriend and God. Somehow he got in his head that all things good come from God, and all things bad that happen to him shouldn't happen because of his faith. He's under the belief that God will give him all that he desires. I'm not one to push my beliefs or lack thereof onto people, but i feel like i better do something before it's too late. People believe in God and Heaven out of fear, fear of death and the black that it is. They devote their entire lives to please Him. What an empty existence. Am i to believe that if i open my wallet and throw more money into the plate that He will show me more mercy? Religion is organized brainwashing...all for the Almighty Dollar. I personally don't worship anything, i only believe in people. I believe in the spirit of humanity. I'm not so simple minded to believe that there is a Satan too because there isnt. It's all a fairy tale, and Matt is falling into it. I think it's partly due to his girl...girls have a tendancy to make you believe in things that you never have before. All i know is that if i choose to be a good person it's because "I" chose to...not because of some fairy tale deity pushing me in that direction. Why can't people see what i see?

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Read Betweeen the Lies

Inside a Closed Mind

2007-02-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

Feel me float into you
a masquerade
i flow beyond your senses
all you feel has been a charade

My grip tightens around your throat
eclipsing feeling beyond
i am all you need now
lover, father, God

tune in, drop out
evacuation of the damned
i am your fear, i am your doubt
for me, you are condemned

Justify your behavior
with a simple prick
i don't care what you've done
as long as you submit

Love is not a factor
desire is all that matters
my flames pour into your vein
elude all the pain

Drift beyond all self-control
together we are all
don't mind the trance
for i will take you to that place

Warmth, Serenity, Distortion, Complete
Suffocation, Tremors, Blind, Black
i must now take my leave
come back to me to bleed

it's a working progress...still havent narrowed out what i want as verses or the chorus, more than likely will scrap the whole thing since i need to be writing stuff with 4 peoples opinions

The end of all law...no warning shot

2007-02-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem like every girl i date has some sort of serious mental problem? Be it depression, self-obsession, jealousy, 'cocksluttery' as i like to dub it. It seems like i'm damned to attract the 'wrong' kind of women. Lately i've been getting crazy play from girls. Wish i knew why. But once again they all have 'issues.' What i truly want is a girl that could be considered 'normal.' Someone i don't have to walk on eggshells for. Someone i can tell everything i feel to without fear of judgement. I want someone that relies on me to make them feel better. I want someone thats not afraid to cry in front of me. I want someone whos totally honest with me and doesn't give me a bullshit runaround. Funny how when i describe my 'perfect' girl sex isn't even in the criteria. My perfect girl. I thought i had her at one point. I'm sure she knows who she is. At this point i could never get back together with her...not after seeing the real her. But bar none...what my perfect girl NEEDS to understand...is that she will be my everything, my rock, my world, until my children are born. She needs to understand that she won't be able to compare to the love i will have for my children. My kids will be my reason for living. I will do anything and everything to make them happy and comfortable. I know once i lay eyes on my first child this warped, vengeful, vindictive person that i am will die, and be replaced with a Father. I want to be everything MY father never was. I want to teach my kids from my experiences. I want them to break the mold of this generation and be real people that can stand on their own 2 feet. And i will do everything in my power to lead them down the right path, because i've traveled both paths. One day in the distant future once i have found you, my fiancee/wife/whichever, you'll be reading this, so you know where i've come from...please have the honesty to tell me if i've changed my views on being a parent. If i have slap me back to reality.

Today's song of the day is Pantera - Floods

My friends are so depressed.

2007-02-21T06:50:00.000-08:00

Through the drudgery of daily life my friends are the only thing that get me through. Only when i'm around them do i feel a little less lonely. I think my friends are the most important part of my life right now, based solely on the fact that they are present for no selfish reasons that i can see. I've been used alot throughout my years...be it for sex, money, mental stability, or whatever. My good friend Pete is going through a rough time right now and i don't know what i should do about it. I feel like i should do SOMETHING. Poor guys got court coming up soon, more than likely gonna end up doin a little time. It seems like he's getting too deep into his 'habit.' I really wanna help him out but that drug is the one thing i promised myself i would stay far away from. I don't scare easily but heroin scares the shit out of me. Not because its dangerous or highly addictive, i'm scared because of the stories i've heard of the first time you use it. The most incredible feeling you've ever felt...better than the best sex you've ever had. Alot of my friends have experimented with it and still use it on occasion, and they all say the same thing...everything feels better when they're high on that shit.

Which brings me to my next gripe...these so-called 'smart' people. The ones who think because they can toss out a few big words and they know useless facts that they're better than 'people like me.' I'm not gonna lie and say im a smart guy, because i know i'm not, but the reality of the world is all the book learning and general facts you can ever learn will not save you in the real world. These smart people that are afraid of their own shadows are what is wrong with this country. I can say with full certainty that they are raising their children to be absolute pussies. Too afraid to step out into the real world. Too afraid to take chances in life, the chances that make life worth living. Too afraid to raise your fists and defend yourself, they're taught to run to mommy and daddy when shit goes down. And what is the next generation of adults gonna be like? Even worse. I understand you need to instill a degree of comfort and sensitivity in your children but for god's sake...teach your kids to defend themselves! Fighting happens, in school, between siblings, everywhere. Violence is in our nature, we have to learn to control those violent feelings and reserve them for when they're needed, not push them down competely, because if you continue to raise your children to buckle under the pressure of someone stronger than them then they will end up either dead or as currency in the state penn.

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Eyes of the Insane

2007-02-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

All my angels are gone

2007-02-16T10:52:00.000-08:00

I'm going on my 3rd week of sobriety again. I decided i really want to stop doing what i do. Things change...everything changes but nothing ever gets better. For years i was able to bury my emotions and feelings behind humor. Whenever i'm around people i joke around and i make people laugh. It's all just to distract me. Some days i feel ok...like things are gonna get better...like i'm gonna meet someone that i really feel deeply for. Other days...i'm breaking apart inside. It gets really bad when i try and sleep and am left alone to darkness and my thoughts. Whenever i begin to drift behind the wall of sleep my mind fills with the most painful images and thoughts and i wake up wide awake. Before this year i hadn't cried since i was like 12...now 9 times out of 10 i fall asleep in tears. Such an embarrassing admition considering what my image is but it's true. I feel so fucking empty inside. I feel like there's no light at the end of my tunnel. I feel that each passing day is going to be worse and there isnt a fucking thing i can do about it. I honestly, truly, deeply, with all the passion in my heart...HATE myself.

Traveling in Stygian

2007-02-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a crutch. Some people do drugs, some eat, some sit in their basements and play video games for hours. There's about as many escapes for people as there are people. One of the most painful ones to see are the "attention whores", the women who will do anything to be noticed. I've said it many times to many different people..."sluts are awesome, until you care about one." Then there's the ones who refuse to accept the fact that they're whores. They're typically the ones who believe they won't be accepted or liked or loved unless they spread their legs. I feel bad for those people. Sure i haven't been a saint as far as my sex life has gone but for the most part i had genuine feelings for the person i was with at the time. Pinning feelings to sex stops you from doing something stupid. Maybe i feel this way cause a good friend of mine has aids. I feel terrible for her but she did it to herself. I'm still really mad at her for letting that happen to her, and in turn i don't talk to her or see her. I guess im selfish in that respect...i don't want to watch her die. But then i see people i care about going down that same road. It only takes one person to start a chain reaction that will wipe out an entire group of people. And hey guess what? That's only one STD! There's a ton more even more fun ones out there! I guess what i'm trying to say is i'm done hopping into bed with anyone right away. It may be hard sometimes but i always have my crutches.

Diary Of A Madman

2007-02-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

screaming, at the window
watch me die another day
hopeless, situation
endless price i have to pay

sanity now is beyond me
there's no choice

diary, of a madman
walk the line again today
entries of confusion
dear diary, i'm here to stay

manic depression befriends me
hear his voice
sanity now is beyond me
there's no choice

a sickened mind and spirit
the mirror tells me lies
could i mistake myself for someone
who lives beyond my eyes
will he escape my soul
or will he live in me
is he trying to get out
or trying to enter me?

voices, in the darkness
scream away my mental health
can i ask a question
to help me save me from myself

enemies fill up the pages
are they me?
monday through sunday in stages
set me free....................ohhhhh

no song fits these entries more...yay ozzy

Guilty of innocence

2007-02-08T18:00:00.000-08:00

This post was way overdue. I can't remember when i met Mo. I think Sarah introduced us. Wow i really can't remember....that's scary. When i first laid eyes on her i thought she was such a cutie. We used to talk for hours at night...this was back when i was like 14 and she was 13. We'd talk about nothing in particular. I didn't see her nearly as much as i'd like to. Granted she was only like 5 miles away but thats pretty fuckin far when you're 14. I remember we used to chill at the train tracks and make out. I still get a kick out of the fact that the first time i felt her up was in a church parking lot. Like i said we were young and innocent so even small things like that were exciting. I really don't know why she stands out in my mind among other girls. Anyways, things went south for some reason that i still don't know and we didnt talk for a long time. A couple years later she called one day out of the blue. We went right back to where we were. Well not right away. We spent a few months talking and catching up. We both found our monkeys on our backs, which would lead to our demise but thats later on. I got really close to her over those couple months. I remember every night at 11:11 we would make a wish. Eventually we started going out again. I can say with all honesty that when i was with her i was at my happiest...even when she was braiding my hair. We connected in so many ways. She learned to play guitar during the time we werent talking which was rad. I used to bring my beat up Montaya and my amp when i went over there and we'd jam. She writes poetry too. Another connection since i write music. During that time i was drifting away from drugs, and she was getting deeper in. I really cared about her and wanted her to stop too. She was apprehensive but she agreed. We went on for a long time. Until one day i was on the phone with her and she said 'oh me and *insert girls name that i cant remember* went down to the city to cop' (cop means to go buy drugs for the laypeople in the audience) All i said was 'I gotta go' and hung up. And that was it. I really did care about her, perhaps more than i should. I was an absolute mess after that (and still am). Perhaps its my fault for ending it so abruptly. I don't know why i still think about the bad times. It's funny how i was so upset about her drug use and look at me now...always running to the bottle or the bowl when i get down. Perhaps we get what we put in...maybe drugs were the reason for the latest abandonment. I guess i'll never know.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Last Exit

I used to go to bed so high and wired.

2007-02-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the past comes back to you like a bullet between your eyes. Things that i thought were dead and buried come back to haunt me. Chapters in my life that were closed are reopening and i don't know how i feel about it. My ex came around yesterday and we hung out. It was so weird...it felt like i was back in Vernon again. It felt comfortable. It was her scent that brought me back. I really don't know why the fates have decided to compund all the pressure of a lifetime into a 6 month period for me but it's so debilitating. I'm completely stressed out over everything. I just wish i could get a clear cut answer on what i should do. I don't know who to trust anymore. The whole Sarah thing really fucked up my trust issues. I was really making some headway there with her. All to be betrayed in the end with silence. But that's in the past, someone that could do that to me isn't worth me giving the time of day to. It's time to look to the future. Be it cloudy and uncertain it's a future i intend to be a part of. I will not let her destroy my spirit. I will love again, and it will be reflected back to me. Because deep down i think i'm a good person, no matter what some self-absorbed bitch thinks.

Today's song of the day is Since The Flood - In My Way

Thats what i get

2007-02-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

So another weekend at the funnest place in the world. Right now i'm about to get ready to go in for my last night of the weekend at work, and i feel like a rabbit with a carrot on a string. All weekend so far i've been working near Jen. We spend most of the night just talking and flirting. And on friday i finally met her husband, a gumpy guy with no personality and a weird haircut. I guess i see now why she seems interested in me. I seem to be the person girls like to 'escape' to. That really makes me feel shitty, like im not good enough as a standalone guy, i have to be compared to something awful to be seen as a fun person. I should've learned my lesson with my last endeavor with a girl that was taken. But on the bright side Jen gave me her cell number. I really don't know what to do. I do like her, shes really cute and she seems nice, but i was roped like this before. I apparently must have some deep-seeded desire for managers or something. Weird since i'm Mr. Anti-Authority. But the thing that bothers me the most is i look at Jen and i see a sweet girl, a beautiful girl, someone i can talk to, someone i think i could trust one day, i see Sarah. I cannot get her out of my head. I think that's why i like Jen so much...she reminds me of her. I just can't let go.

On a completely unrelated note i have written the riff entitled 'The Snappy Snacky Riff'

Today's song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - I Just Want You

"I'll never do that again"

2007-01-30T03:36:00.000-08:00

Right now i am at a crossroad in my life. Well not so much a crossroad as a road i'm afraid to tread. When i was 17 i was at a place much like this. Horrible dreams, constant sadness, anger, rage. The only way i was able to pull through that was a very painful 'dehumanization'. I'm not like most people...i can fully repress memories to the point that they are all but gone, but it comes at a price. Pre-17 i was a very smart kid. I almost always had my shit together. I was very calm and focused. Then shit went down that i'd rather not write about, mainly because it's like flashes and fragmented memories in my head now, just as i intended it to be. I've decided i'm taking a week off in april with a couple personals tacked on the front and back...to make a 10 day vacation. That is when i do what i dreaded ever doing again. And no it's not suicide. For those 10 days i'm going to spend it with Steve, alcohol, and weed. I intend to erase the past 6 months out of my mind forever. It's the only way i'll keep my sanity. I'm sad that it came to this but it has to be done. Love isn't something you can simply forget about...it has to be ripped out and murdered for it to be truly gone.

'i tried to forget you as you forgot me, this time there is nothing left for you to take, this is goodbye. Summer is miles and miles away, no one would ask me to stay. And i should contemplate this change, to ease the pain. And i should step out of the way, turn away.'

Today's song of the day is Opeth - In My Time of Need

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

2007-01-27T07:22:00.000-08:00

So i woke up today to my stupid cell ringing over and over. I swear im gonna tattoo into Steve's forehead my work schedule...he always wants to chill when i have to go to work. Normal routine of getting ready for work...shower, dress, brush, try not to throw up. As i pull into work i see Shawn and his girl Caitlin (or however you spell it...i swear that name has so many variants) chillin in my parking spot. We get to talking and as it turns out they got engaged. Really bothers me cause i could tell they were both on dope, that fucking shit spreads like wildfire. Go into work, normal routine blah blah blah. Around 2am Jen the bakery girl comes in, now i've had a thing for her since i started working there. As it turned out i was working right next to the bakery all night. I see her come in, i say good morning, and she seems to be a bit out of sorts. I try not to pry into other peoples problems but i could tell she was visibly shaken and upset over something, so my normal concerned side asks her if shes ok. Big mistake. She starts going on and on about her husband and how much of a prick he is. As she's winding down from her tirade i noticed she was looking at my eyes the whole time, not many people can do that. Most of the 'conversation' was about how she wants a kid but her burnout husband doesn't. Then out of the blue she asked me if i wanted kids. Naturally i said 'sure but im punching out at 7:30...is that enough time?' It's getting to be pretty clear that she likes me, with the touching and the flirting we do. And here i am soul-searching. And i've come to the conclusion...I want children, but not with her, i only want them with one girl.

Well the sleeping pills are beginning to kick in...better end this update. Raise a glass to the prospect of a day without haunted sleep...like thats gonna happen...

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Mandatory Suicide

Isolation Years

2007-01-24T00:41:00.000-08:00

The past is a scary thing. I look back into my past and i fully understand all my decisions, be them right or wrong. The scary past is the past of others. I hear stories from people about all sorts of things, but when they tell me about personal, painful memories i'm filled with a genuine, intense fear. There's a few reasons for that. Number one being why would they impart that knowledge to me. Number two is learning things about people that i didn't know. I understand that learning new things about people is the road to building a better friendship/relationship/whatever but in some weird way i want them to be just as i picture them. Funny how it never ends up that way.

I wear my past on my sleeve, in a most literal sense. 'Normal' people seem to be apprehensive around me. Granted i don't look like the type of guy you'd take home to mom. The way i dress, the long hair, the goatee, 'the eyes', the scars...all point people to one determined judgement of me. That i'm not right in the head, and you know what? They're fucking right. The strange thing is the people that actually do get to know me love me. Some people ask why i don't just 'conform' and cut the hair and look like everyone else. There's a simple explanation for that. I refuse to do anything to please anyone else but myself. This is who i am. I might be self-destructive, headed for an early grave, drinking and smoking myself to death, but thats ME. Changing myself to better suit the majority of people is a fucking cop-out. I don't hide from anyone. People may see my substance abuse as me trying to hide but it's not, i'm dulling the pain. The pain that most of you don't feel. Nothing as pedestrian as physical pain. I've been fighting a severe bout of depression since November and i'm losing to my Hate. Numbness is the only thing that puts me to sleep. And once i do get to sleep...oh the dreams...jabs of insults and degenerating sanity born from my mind. My stomach always hurts. I'm lonely. I can't truly connect with anyone. When i do begin to connect with someone i sabotage it. I'm destined to be alone. No one understands me. The ones that think they do hurt me the most. I'm at my end. As of right now i feel absolutely no hope for the future to be better. For any of my friends that are reading this read this....fuck you for giving a shit about me, the only thing im good for is hurting people so i may as well show you at my best.

Today's song of the day is Bleed The Sky - Skin Un Skin

Temporary Clarity

2007-01-21T05:07:00.000-08:00

I mentioned a few posts back about how i wanted to go shooting with Joe. I guess i'll explain why i can't. A long time ago i had a very bleak outlook on my future (and still do). I'm ashamed to admit i've attempted suicide a few times during my lowest points. The scars on my wrists will never disappear. The brain cells i've lost will never regenerate. But one attempt was by far the most eye-opening in my life. I'm not going into detail about it, mainly because i don't want anyone to know but the one who has to know. At this point in my life for the most part i don't want to die, sometimes i feel hopeless to that point, but more than anything else i want to better my life. I want children, i want a wife that truly loves this fucked up person that i am, i want a house, i want a better job, but most of all i just want to stop feeling this way. The scariest thing about me isn't the desire to die, because that isnt there. The scariest thing is the lack of concern of dying. I drive way too fast. I take too many chances. My personal safety is always the last thing on my mind. In some respects it's alot more fun living that way. But in other more important respects it's terrible. I'm going to die young. I've already established and dealt with that knowledge. I wish i had someone to live for.

Today's song of the day is Pantera - Suicide Note Pt. 1

Where did this come from?

2007-01-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

for about 4 months ive been looking at a bullet i got from god knows where sitting on top of my monitor. .357 Magnum hollowpoint. I stare at it and wonder where it's going to end up. Its sole purpose is to kill. It exists for no other reason. To most people it doesn't look very intimidating...its only about an inch long and maybe 2cm in diameter. I wonder whos life i saved by taking this single bullet into my possession. Granted it could've been used for sharpshooting or sport shooting but there's always a possibility. When i think that way i think theres probably about a billion people that should have it instead of me. Is there a reason i fell upon this instrument of death? Is it a sign? Maybe this bullet was meant to kill a criminal. Maybe it was created to kill a killer. Or maybe...just maybe...it was made just for me.

Today's song of the day is Nonpoint - Bullet With A Name

My G-string keeps falling off! it's too short!

2007-01-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Most people drink or do drugs purely for the high and the feeling of euphoria. Not me. I always did those things for one reason...the numbness. Sometimes when im sober i sit back and think about why i always feel the need to numb myself to the point of danger. I guess it's because i feel empty, and the little bit that's in me hurts so bad. The other night i bought a few pills of Oxycontin from Unc. For those of you that dont know what that is it's a very potent painkiller reserved for post-surgery and serious arthritis. In my infinite wisdom i decided to mix it with a couple beers. By the time it took full effect i felt NOTHING. My entire body was numb and i couldn't move. A normal person would be afraid that they overdosed but i didn't. I almost felt peaceful. The next morning i woke up and felt really funny. I've come to the realization that i'm a greedy motherfucker for doing this to myself. I might feel alone but i know deep down certain people need me. They need the unpolluted me. Whether they know it or not. I think it's about time i gave up the drugs and alcohol for good and started to help people with my experiences with addiction, depression, and hopelessness. I have to stop thinking about my own needs and help the people i love, and the knowledge that i truly love people lets me know i'm not dead inside. To those few people i feel i'm very close to ill say this...I love you and i'm trying my best.

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Jihad

Faithless

2006-12-31T07:28:00.001-08:00

well i met myself today all my fear they went away but no ones inside, no one is inside, no one is inside. im overrated how did i come this far?
WASTED you see me! you wont believe this place i found. im gonna leave it all behind im coming back from the ground. my feelings i remember but the memory is long gone. i leave some room for destiny and then i take it all.
FACELESS you see me. theres people crying all around.
IM CALLING FOR YOU CONSTANTLY but you dont hear a sound. these walls around form a fire. the night surrounds me, my forecast overthrown.
the night is my own, the night is my throne. i can devour anything. because tonight i am alone.
dont ask why.
dont ask why.
ill tell you lie upon lie upon lie upon lie.
this fire burns in your eyes.
dont ask why.
if theres one thing i know is true, the suns fire burns in your eyes.

2006-12-30T16:58:00.000-08:00

2006-12-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

I can't save you, I can't even save myself

2006-12-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

My life has spiraled out of my control. Everything seems to be sliding into the negative side of the spectrum. A good friend of mine is getting locked up again, work is beating the shit out of me, and the final straw...i fell off the wagon on saturday night. Nothing is right anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i should give up. Christmas is 5 days away and i have no desire to associate with anyone. I'm slipping back to where i used to be. There's no thoughts of suicide...but there is no fear of death. For the longest time i lived my life not caring whether i lived or died, i'm almost back there again. I guess i finally got my answer to my Karma question i've been asking. I realized i was gone last night when i heard the song 'Killer of Giants' and broke into tears. My mind is no longer my own. Just remember the X that you knew loved you all very much. I'm sorry.

Todays song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - Killer of Giants

You're the lucky one

2006-12-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

The echos begin, focus delayed, borders of light, sounds twist into nonsense, thoughts blend, can't feel the drag from my cigarette, pain replaced with pressure, thoughts of her fill my head, reality is compromised, the misconception that everything is fine, everything echos, slightest light blinds my eyes, cold, empty, alone.

Illimitable Winter

2006-12-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

{Verse}
Fall's death aborts the beginning
Broken limbs encompass my sight
The warm embrace of the sun
Is imprisoned by the promise of eternal night

The comfort of the rains frozen in time
Damned to exist as ice from the sky
All i see is death and decay
Rumors of rebirth led astray.

{Chorus}
Frozen prison, snowblind forever
Broken hope, lost passion
Crippling cold, blank stare
No end, no beginning
Shiver for me
You'll never be free

{Verse}
As I look into the sky
No stars in my eyes
The earth is a wasteland
Life stripped by God's hand

Warmth is all I desire
My personal lust for fire
Solitude, always married to winter
What's the difference I'm blind

{Chorus}
Frozen prison, snowblind forever
Broken hope, lost passion
Crippling cold, blank stare
No end, no beginning
Shiver for me
One day I'll be free

{Bridge}
The sun rises up into the heavens, erasing the agony of the Illimitable Winter, the sky opens up into a beautiful blue.
White gives way to the green and the brown of the earth, heat warms my near-frozen blood, rays press against my face.
This season has left us, perhaps wiser. Life breathes once again.

{Outro}
I see the children in the sun
Unaware of what was done
I pray for the long summer
For the Illimitable Winter is forever inside her

Now this should be interesting to put music to...natural harmonics gogogo!

Last December

2006-12-13T04:41:00.000-08:00

December has been very bad to me this year. I can't sleep, i'm not eating right, i can't smile, i can't laugh. I keep looking to the holidays to make me feel better and i already see i'm gonna feel even worse. This is gonna be the first year where i have no one to kiss when the ball drops. I'm praying things will be better after the holidays. It needs to end. I can't hurt the people i love anymore because of how down i am. To anyone reading this thats been hurt by me this past 3 weeks i truly am sorry...this isn't the real me. But i suppose anyone who knows me well enough should know that. I love you all and the real me will be back soon...i hope.

Todays song of the day is Metallica - Loverman

I was like 'BLAAAAM!!!'

2006-12-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

Since the turn of summer into fall i've been writing quite alot of music. That's one of the things i do when i'm down. But it seems everything i write lately is on a somber note. Mostly slow clean tone stuff riddled with verses of shredding. The lyrics ive written lately have me worried too. I usually don't sit down and write a full songs lyrics in one sitting. I kinda get inspired by things in my life and write down what i feel and decide later whether to commit it to a verse, chorus, bridge, intro, outro, whatever. "Pobrecito" is my pet project at the moment. I'm trying to really make that song into something special. But whenever i pick up my guitar to write the music to the lyrics it ends up being so angry. I really wanted it to be more of a ballad, considering what it means to me. Inspiration comes to me in such weird situations. One thing my girlfriends hated about me was i very rarely stayed in bed with them after sex. I was always the most inspired to write really good riffs afterwards. Joe-Bot keeps askin me when i'm gonna bring the new band together...and i don't know. Granted we have like 4 drummers 3 bassists 1 guitarist and no singer we're kinda stuck. I think im gonna try and recruit Sarah as the professional triangle player. Or maybe she could be the gong...ist? What do you call someone who plays the gong? But more than likely i'm just gonna give her a trash can and a baseball bat and tell her to go to town. Which brings me to the current state of music in the world. Why is every new song just some whiny bitch of a kid with a shitty singing voice singing about some bitch that wronged him? Whatever happened to the good old songs based on drug addiction, sex, suicide, and criminal insanity? Todays song of the day is a special one. No matter how lost or confused i ever am i can listen to this short acoustic piece and feel completely at ease for the duration of the song. Now i just need it looped in my head 24/7 and i'll be ok.

Todays song of the day is Morbid Angel - Desolate Ways

Life, Copulation, and Death...is this your life?

2006-12-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

So i learned this morning that 4 big ass people DO NOT fit in a camaro. Well another weekend in retail hell is in the books, with only 4 stitches to show for it. Why is it the older you get the more you hate the holidays? Same with birthdays. It seems to me that the older you get the more miserable you get. I look at the way my parents were...all they ever did was go to work, come home, eat dinner, fight, and go to bed. I guess all people are like that. Sometimes i look at the generation coming up behind me and worry though. I keep hearing about kids that are 13, 14, 15 losing their virginity. When i was younger i had this misconception that women were more pure and innocent that guys were. How wrong i was. Anna taught me that. It seems like there's no more goodness in this world anymore. Everyone has a hidden agenda. Driven by their most base instinct, myself included. It seems like love is an afterthought. Just flipping through the channels on TV shows me that. Everything is based on sex. Anyways...

Last night i was sitting on the benches on break as usual, when Floyd lights up a joint and asks me if i want an 'attitude adjustment' It really is amazing that people can see how down i've been lately. I told him no. He asked why. I said 'i would disappoint someone i love if i did.' It was at that point when i realized why i'm sober. It's for her. It's always been for her. It's also for me but i feel like i want her to know the 'unpolluted' me. Granted i'm a fun guy when im fucked up, but i really had to close that chapter in my life. Which leads me to another impasse. At work the only 4 people i actually would consider friends outside of work are Joe, Floyd, Pete, and Mike. All of which do drugs regularly. Am i fucked up for trusting them? Well the little trust i can put in a friend. I guess it comes down to who they are after you strip away the drugs and the booze. They've always gone out of their way to make sure i was ok, and i do the same for them. We defend each other when the man comes down on us. And point blank...they are the only reason i'm still working there. It's not the job, it's the people who bring me back there. It's truly amazing how many people have come and gone in that job. Jeff came around on saturday night. He was my jewish nigga. We used to work right next to each other every night and just tear each other apart. 'Us long hairs gotta stick together' I haven't seen Shawn in a long time. He was bar none the coolest boss i ever had. He's only a year older than me so we were on the same level. I remember he used to just sit down where i was working and we would just talk, about nonsense really. I kinda wish things didnt happen the way they did with him. We got a new non-foods girl, and within a month he was dating her, which is a huge no-no where i work. So he got transferred. Last i heard he's been pulling alot of no call no shows and coming in late. Word is he got suspended pending termination, and came back demoted. I should give him a call and see if he's ok. There i go again worrying about people...it's my curse.

Todays song of the day is Nightwish - Crownless

Risparmia il Fiato

2006-12-10T05:13:00.000-08:00

Just walked into my apartment, as usual its empty. My bed, empty. AIM, empty. Cellphone, calls from people i dont want to talk to. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I'm not a bad looking guy i dont think. I have a good sense of humor. I'm not shallow. Yet every single day is a battle...a battle for my sanity. I feel it slipping away as the minutes pass. It's getting so bad i don't know if even she can save me. I've started lashing out at my friends. Fighting with my boss. Pushing everyone away and trying to pull her closer...the only good thing in my life right now. If this is what my life is going to consist of i dont fucking want it, because the only good thing is slipping away from me. With her i saw my pain washed away, without her i see nothing but absolute pain and loneliness. I'm scared. When i was 17 i had a very severe bout of depression...but i worked through it. It stole so much of my being in the process though. I cannot survive another one...my body will surely survive but everything good about me will be killed...and thats all i have left in this world...my spirit. Without my spirit i may as well be dead.

Todays song of the day is Megadeth - In My Darkest Hour

Quarantine

2006-12-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

I sit and think sometimes about why i can't hold a relationship. I'm not so narrow-minded to think that its always their fault. I know theres something wrong with me. Sometimes i sit for hours trying to figure out what that is. With all the honestly in my mind i can say i ALWAYS try to work anything out in a relationship thats wrong, but it always ends up the same way. I try and connect with people on a spiritual level...and thats only happened twice in my life. Or maybe once. I already know that im capable of love...pure unfiltered love. But maybe my definition of love is different from others. It seems like everytime i really start feeling something for someone they start disappearing. I try so hard. I try to remedy what could possibly be wrong. I try and be there. I've been praying to whatever it is i pray to every night that jan/feb will change that and complete me. But in the back of my mind theres a voice saying 'you can never be with anyone, you're destined to be alone forever' and that voice is crippling me. What it comes down to is i don't wanna be alone anymore, i want someone that will be there for me. Even when i start getting stale they'll be there. Even when i start getting moody they'll be there to bring me back to reality. I want someone that will give me the moral support to make it through the day. I want someone that loves me unconditionally. I think deep down i'm a good person. I would give the shirt off my back to someone if they needed it. I'll go without to help someone in need. Maybe the truest thing i can say to myself is no one can ever love me, because ill end up ruining it in the end. It always has and always will be, My Fault.

Todays song of the day is Alice in Chains - Alone

you may experience a slight wave of euphoria...ya feel it?

2006-12-08T06:23:00.000-08:00

Here i am doing all the stuff i need to get done for the new workweek in one day. I've gotten good at loafing around and compounding everything into friday morning. So far december hasnt been very kind to me. And its only gonna get worse. Working retail this time of the year is hell. I talked to Sarah last night and she's got it worse than me as far as work goes. I really hope she does ok and doesnt flip out. I'm not sure why i've been writing about my past so much lately, maybe its because its the holidays and i'm a reminicing kind of guy. Also Steve came back up to Jersey about a month ago after being in Texas for a few years. Me him and Matt#3 have been hanging out off and on. Haven't had a chance to talk to Sarah yet (why do my friends all have the same names?) Sarah was someone i really worried about. Its not like she had a particularly hard life or anything. I just saw things about her that scared me. I always thought she would end up pregnent by the age of 17 and watch her life go down the tubes. I worry about people so much...why dont i ever sit them down and talk to them about it? Well on the bright side after talking to my Sarah last night i feel a little better. I'm still so worried about her though. She seems so distant and i feel like its my fault. I hope its just the holiday workload bringing her down, at least that has a clear ending. I hope she knows that i love her and i'm gonna help her though this. I may not be able to help myself but i can help others...thats about the only thing i'm really good at. I'm always able to put a smile on someones face.

Lately i've been having odd dreams. Dreams about her have become the normal thing which i love, but recently i've been dreaming about my future children. I might not be ready at this point in time but dear god i want kids so bad. I want a little daughter i can spoil rotten. I want someone i can shower my love onto and never need to worry about a 'bad breakup.' I know already when my kids enter this world i'm no longer gonna be living for myself. I wanna teach them about life. I wanna show them right and wrong. I want them to learn from my mistakes and lead a better life than i ever dreamed of. But most of all i want them to love their father. I want them to be able to come to me about anything and everything. I never had a good relationship with my father, and i know how hard that is. I guess my last thoughts before i continue Operation Get Ready For Work is i feel alone but its getting better, she's fixing it for me and i love her for that.

Todays song of the day is Joe Satriani - I Believe

soundtrack to your escape

2006-12-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

99% of my life is to music, i sleep to music, i wake up to music, music is always playing when im home, music on the way to work, music at work, music when i hang out with friends. I guess you can say music is my life. I've been playing guitar since i was 14. I've always believed that someone who is a musician appreciates music much more than the casual listener. This is the main reason people like Joe Satriani and Alex Skolnick will never become mainstream. I also tie specific points in my life to certain bands and certain CD's. For instance, Pearl Jam's cd Vitalogy brings me straight back to junior year of high school. The first Weezer album brings me back to Moe. The Offspring brings me back to the condos. I sit and look at the way things are right now and i'm not very happy. I miss high school. I had a fuckin blast there. People always told me to treasure those days cause they are the best days of your life...man they aint kidding. Sure it was a bitch waking up at fuckin 6 in the morning every morning but i was going to a place where ALL my friends were. I miss drooling over Miss Gentlecore. I miss smoking in the bathrooms with John. I miss sneaking off to the orchard with a few people and getting stoned. I miss trying to sneak onto peoples buses and go home and hang out with them with no way home. I miss having no license and having to walk 5 miles in the snow to see my girl. I miss hanging out with Sarah. Still cant believe her parents didnt think we were fucking (we really werent). I miss hanging out in Matt's room and getting stoned and watching the dumb polock next door dip a tennis ball in gasoline, light it, and throw it in a bush. I miss going to Warrens and coaxing his little brother and little sister to fight. I miss spending weeks at a time at Steves and getting nothing done at all. I miss the space invaders minigame in MKII that we played more than MK. Now all i have to look forward to is going to work and sleeping. Stressing about bills. Living from paycheck to paycheck. I dont want this life. I want to go back to my youth. Even though my father was a drunk abusive asshole i miss my house. I miss my old room. It was small but it was mine. I can't even pinpoint when everything changed. I guess thats because i keep all the good memories close to me and the bad ones i block out. I guess freedom comes at a price. But i should appreciate that i had a fun youth. Some people arent so lucky. Some people really resent their youth. I'm lucky i can look back and smile. But goddammit i hate this life i live now.

Todays song of the day is Opeth - To Rid The Disease

I HAS A BUCKET!

2006-12-07T02:15:00.000-08:00

I remember going to my nana's house for all the major holidays, easter, thanksgiving, xmas eve. Back then the family was really close. We would all pile into the car and drive down to Garfield to spend the day there. I remember for christmas she would always have the most beautiful tree loaded with presents. More gifts than could be fit underneath the tree. Thanksgiving would always be a feast...she always went all out cooking. Easter she would always have an easter egg hunt. And those times i was the youngest by a large margin so i knew it was done just for me. I always looked forward to the holidays for that reason alone. We did that for years. Then my grandfather died. From that day forward my nana was never the same. I guess i cant really understand how she felt losing her husband of so many years. But she perservered and things went on the same as usual. Then one day my father gets a call that nana had a heart attack and passed away. This was to be the blackest day of my families history as far as i've seen. She was always a healthy woman, never smoked, rarely drank, just out of the blue her heart gave out. I didnt cry. I did what i always did when there was a death in the family...i put on the song 'Sins of Omission' and mourned in my own way. I refuse to hear that song unless there is a death in the family. After that my sister did her best to be the matriarch to the family holidays, and i know she really tries but its not the same. I miss my nana. And now christmas 2006 is coming up. I've never felt so alone in my life.

Todays song of the day is Testament - Sins of Omission

"Do you realize how dangerous that is?"

2006-12-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

I was formally introduced to drugs when i was 14...i can thank Matt for that one. This may sound like the scene from Half Baked but him and Nate told me 'oh you prolly wont get high the first time you smoke'...needless to say i got completely fucking wasted. That whole summer was about getting stoned, skating, and the trampoline with the skateboard deck with no trucks on it. I really did have alot of fun. I really had alot of fun with the old crew. Matt, other Matt (fuck i know alot of matt's) Nate B, Evan, Warren, Kristen, Maureen, Steve, and James. I really miss those people...the only one i kept in touch with was Steve. Steve and i spent alot of time hanging out during my junior/senior years even though he didnt go to the same high school as me. I guess thats around when i grew away from my 'skater' friends and moved onto my 'metal' friends. I still hung out with Warren once in awhile since he lived 3 houses away...he was my computer geek friend, the one who got me into computers. Maureen was around too...we went out off and on all through middle/high school...but thats a totally different post all in itself. I miss my old friends i really do. I think on it sometimes and i dont know why we grew apart...i guess it just happens. Middle school really was fun but high school was a blast. There were so many cliqs and i was one of the lucky ones that really wasnt labeled as anything, i hung out with all the groups. I guess if you had to classify me i would've been part of the 'metalheads.' I remember study hall for some reason...i always slept through it. Until Justine got moved there. She was a trip...i'd constantly hit on her and i could tell she was interested but she always played hard to get. Funny how we had so many oppritunities to actually go out but we never did. I guess thats the friendship we had, the perpetual 'on the fence' friendship. I remember Cliffwood Lake like it was yesterday. I think i had my best times there. Pretty much an entire neighborhood of friends. Sad that i didnt live there but i went there for weeks at a time during the summers. Which brings me to one of my lowest times. Steve and I had like zero money most of the time so weed was kinda hard to come by. So sometimes we would huff air fresheners. It's not something im proud of but it happened. I remember it being a very short and 'dull' high, until one day we decided to try Rustoleum. God i wish i could go back in time and never do that. I knew how dangerous it was. I remember going to the park and doing it. It was an incredibly focused high. I could almost compare it to weed being like a water pistol and this being like a hot laser. It was almost like being blacked out for 20 minutes at a click but retaining some memory. Eventually other people started doing it. The memory that sticks in my mind is one night with me, Steve, and Sue. Sue was a friend...i wouldnt say she was a good friend, but i also wouldnt degrade her as just an aquaintance. We were all at the park on the swings and we were doing our thing. We used ziploc bags for the actual huffing. I remember just finishing taking a hit and seeing Sue standing against the support bars to the swings. But i was so fucked up i thought it was Moe. At that point in time i was going through one of the many breakups with her. All i remember is stumbling over to Sue and kissing her like i kissed Moe so many times. I dont remember much after that. But after i came to i felt so guilty. It was at that time i called all the guys from the neighborhood, went to the rock in the lake, and we had one final throwdown with that stuff. I havent touched it since. After that in typical fashion we started to lose touch, but Steve remains to this day. I guess what im trying to say is i really miss all my old friends, i hope they know i loved them dearly.

Todays song of the day is Weezer - We Are All On Drugs

Confession

2006-12-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

Now ive never been a church-going man and i dont believe i should worship any person or entity, but recently i've been concerned about my status in 'The Big Wheel'. And to be perfectly honest i've been considering going to church for a full confession, which ive never done before. But that begs the question...'what good would it do to confess my sins to another man? Another man who pays bills, goes to work, drives along in his metal coffin the same as i do?' what grants him the ability to absolve me of what i've done? Theres only really 2 people in this world that i can trust, should i confess to one of them about my terrible past? And if i do that will they ever look at me the same again? Of those 2 people only 1 has a deep grasp of who i really am. I've walked alone for years and for the most part it hasn't bothered me much...until recently. I've always thought i was better off alone as to not burden others with my problems or hurt them with my sometimes inflated sense of being. During that time of not caring whether i was alone i was very heavily into drugs, one of my major sins. Perhaps that dulled me to the point of not knowing what i need. Sure theres been people in and out of my life, and i love my family...i really do. And i miss them so badly. During the swansong of my addiction i've pushed almost all of my family so far from me that i dont know if i can ever recapture them. I haven't seen my aunt down in Toms River in 3 years. Aside from holidays i havent seen my sister in 2 years. And its been longer since ive been able to sit down and talk to any of them. Maybe im ashamed at this point. I'm on my 2nd month of sobriety as of now and i cant lie to myself...im tempted. Theres so much going on right now thats stressing me out. But when it comes down to it i cant fall off this wagon. This might be what i need to tip my Karma scales into the good side again...which god knows i need right now. Lately i've felt nearly as hopeless as i used to, which scares me to death because that hopelessness brought me to another sin more than once. The sin i'm most ashamed of...and that cripples me from doing what i want to do. A guy at work is always asking me to go shooting with him...'hey you should get a license and get yourself some guns...shooting is a great stress reliever.' Deep down i want to...it really interests me, but i simply cannot trust myself with a gun in my hand. I would never turn a gun on another person. Is that instability gonna prevent me from being a good father and husband in the future? I believe when i first lay eyes on my first child all this will change, the emptiness will dissipate and i will have a pure reason to go on. I think i've taken the first step in that regard...i met someone so special to me in the past couple months, and she wants what i want. I've dated other girls and ive had a few long-term relationships in the past but it never lasted. Be it my fault or theirs they ended. I have a really hard time connecting with people, especially of the opposite sex. People know me as the laid-back, fun, loose-tongued guy that always makes people laugh. Perhaps i was always guarded about how i feel and what i am with women in fear of frightening them away. I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Todays song of the day is A Perfect Circle - Passive

what exactly is a Psychodelic Rainbow Turkey anyway?

2006-12-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

What exactly is a lie? Is it as simple as falsehood or is it the desire to make that falsehood true that brings people to lie? I've always dealt with liars in my life and myself have not been completlely truthful in my journey. Usually when i can tell someone is lying to me i try to read 'why' they are lying to me...is it because they dont want me to know the truth or is it because they want me to believe something that isnt there? In that respect i determine how i should react to the lie itself. Either i get angry or i try to understand why the lie is born to begin with. Also it depends on who the lie comes from. But to delve deeper is to question why a person would choose to be dishonest rather than honest. My belief is that upbringing is a major determining factor in this, you're taught to what degree the wrongness is in a lie at a very early age...by your parents. Now in the case of one or both parents not being present you learn from your surroundings. I am no different. I learned from my parents right and wrong. I strive to be a good person with almost everything i do or say. But theres always that vengeful side of me that comes out...determined to undermine and scar whoever i see fit. I thank my father for that side of me, teaching me the value and ability to hate. Most would see that as a negative but in different situations its very important. Does that make me a bad person? That i have no problems bringing my fists up to protect what i believe in? Can i be saved?

Todays song of the day is Testament - Musical Death