Change

Geez these posts get further and further apart...where to begin this time...well I moved back up closer to 'home' for financial reasons. Been here a month and i'm not sure how i feel about it quite yet. Moneywise it's great...im paying half of what i was in kinnelon but the situation isn't the same. On a personal level i feel total and utter shame for my situation now...i feel like i took 3 steps backwards. ANYway...lately i seem to be hurting the people i care about...dunno why i've been doing that and i certainly can't fix it if i don't know why i'm doing it in the first place. As far as my love life is going...its going kinda shitty to be honest. I have no motivation to date or even pursue anyone and that's not like me. It's gotten to the point where i ignore signs from OTHER women directed at me...how fucked up is that? Either way i knew from the beginning this wasn't gonna be an easy path...but i didn't expect it to be so hard. Guess it's time for a shutdown for awhile till im through this.

Today's song of the day is Opeth - The Lotus Eater

The liquid is in your throat
One hopeless delight

After all you fell in love with death,
Life has aborted.
All you've had and all you became,
The night is calling, you pray forth.

The barren waste is your land
Your crops, they were sown to die

The skin is a mirror
The eyes hollow with ignorance
Health runs from your lips
Tucked in and safe in a world of sleep

All those years caring for a liar
A benefit road that is winding higher
You're a moth too close to the fire

You are stuck in a route of confusion
Changing and waiting and seeking the truth of it all

Fleeing your sorrows
Pushing your spirit away

The weakness of the psyche
A whisper from the heart of evil luring them all into despair
Resenting the goods of a savior

And cries out
For the restless will also die

A selection culled from the damned, drawing a lifeline of one
A friend died in your room and sought the birth of a follower

O brother, you are a killer and you target yourself
I wish you had never come back for us to see the beckoning end

And the pride of a mother brought flaws in a mother's son
And the love from a father was used by a father's son

Overheard us talking in a smoke of lost hope
The language of a parting so clear and so true
Overheard us talking