My carpet doesn't match the drapes...

So today my brother-in-law and my nephew came over to help put the new carpet down in my living room. Everything was going fine until my nephew started to have a temper tantrum...AT 14 YEARS OLD! It started with him and my bro in law arguing about something about school, and escalated from there. It almost seemed like the kid was goating him. Just arguing for the sake of arguing. Eventually he started full on yelling at the kid...which i don't blame him one bit for...he was backtalking like no tomorrow. During this whole thing me and my father were right there...and even HE had to walk away. Later on in the day he said to me, 'I am so glad you and Wayne (my brother) were never like that...that kid needs some psychological help.' And i agree with him. I understand that kids will be kids, but you have to respect your parents....at least till you're 18 and mature enough to decide whether they DESERVE your respect or not. I mean i was NEVER a saint in my childhood, but i kept the disrespect and backtalking to my parents to a minium, and never at that level. I'm worried about that kids future, cause if he acts like this at 14, how is he gonna act when hes 19,20,21? You can't hold a job with an attitude like that, or even get through school like that. Maybe it's just me getting older but it seems like im having a harder time relating with the new generation. Plus their music sucks ass.

Ever-Increasing Circles

There's a reason i titled this blog what it is. It seems like i just end up in the same place in life...just with longer trips to that point. That point being depression. I'm trying to shut off how i feel but its just not working this time. I feel incredibly lonely. My normal routine of hooking up with someone for a couple weeks isn't gonna work anymore. It just leaves me feeling even more empty than before. I've realized i lost the ability to hold a real relationship in my early 20's. I feel alone yet i can't bring myself to rely, trust, count on, love anybody. I don't know what to do.

Change

Geez these posts get further and further apart...where to begin this time...well I moved back up closer to 'home' for financial reasons. Been here a month and i'm not sure how i feel about it quite yet. Moneywise it's great...im paying half of what i was in kinnelon but the situation isn't the same. On a personal level i feel total and utter shame for my situation now...i feel like i took 3 steps backwards. ANYway...lately i seem to be hurting the people i care about...dunno why i've been doing that and i certainly can't fix it if i don't know why i'm doing it in the first place. As far as my love life is going...its going kinda shitty to be honest. I have no motivation to date or even pursue anyone and that's not like me. It's gotten to the point where i ignore signs from OTHER women directed at me...how fucked up is that? Either way i knew from the beginning this wasn't gonna be an easy path...but i didn't expect it to be so hard. Guess it's time for a shutdown for awhile till im through this.

Today's song of the day is Opeth - The Lotus Eater

The liquid is in your throat
One hopeless delight

After all you fell in love with death,
Life has aborted.
All you've had and all you became,
The night is calling, you pray forth.

The barren waste is your land
Your crops, they were sown to die

The skin is a mirror
The eyes hollow with ignorance
Health runs from your lips
Tucked in and safe in a world of sleep

All those years caring for a liar
A benefit road that is winding higher
You're a moth too close to the fire

You are stuck in a route of confusion
Changing and waiting and seeking the truth of it all

Fleeing your sorrows
Pushing your spirit away

The weakness of the psyche
A whisper from the heart of evil luring them all into despair
Resenting the goods of a savior

And cries out
For the restless will also die

A selection culled from the damned, drawing a lifeline of one
A friend died in your room and sought the birth of a follower

O brother, you are a killer and you target yourself
I wish you had never come back for us to see the beckoning end

And the pride of a mother brought flaws in a mother's son
And the love from a father was used by a father's son

Overheard us talking in a smoke of lost hope
The language of a parting so clear and so true
Overheard us talking

Down on my knees again.

So its 12:05 friday night/saturday morning and i'm not at work. Same reason as always...stomach cramps. Lately they've been getting worse...to the point that i can't function normally as seen by me not being at work. I've literally tried EVERYTHING to stop the pain. Generally during the week when i'm not at work i feel 100%, as good as i've ever felt. But EVERY SINGLE NIGHT before i have to go to work it starts up...you can literally set a watch by it. That may sound like im just trying to avoid going to work but with every sincere thread in my body that is not the case. More than anything i simply want to go to work and feel normal. Maybe it's time to go to the doctor and find out what the fuck the problem is.

Today's song of the day is Slipknot - Duality

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

It's not a bad thing.

So many of my friends ask me why i'm still single...why i haven't started working on a real relationship. I always give them the same answer...'cause i love my money too much'. But that isn't the only reason. I see how miserable my married/serious relationship friends are. They always complain about this or that, and constantly look at other women. Granted every guy looks at a cute girl but sometimes i wonder if they would actually pursue cheating. I wonder if they're just trying to 'recruit' me into their miserable married men club or something. Whenever i look at myself i see a singular presence...i don't think a woman would make me any better than i am now, as far as i'm concerned it would only make me worse. Sure i get lonely sometimes but i have friends to help me with that, and sure the lack of steady sex is kinda a drag but i have opportunities i can pursue if i so choose. As far as love goes i think Al Pacino said it best in The Devil's Advocate...'What about love?' 'Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating mass quantities of chocolate.'

Today's song of the day is Dope - Always

Let's go back to the start
Like it use to be
Before you fell apart
And you blamed it on me
Back when you were my friend
Do you remember back when
All the plans that we made
Can we get back to those days

Those days come every now and again
No way I feel like this is the end but

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Let's go back to the start
Like it use to be
Before your broken heart
And your hatred for me
Back when all this began
Do you remember back then
All the plans that we made
Can we get back to those days

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Is there any wonder I'm not right
Where do we go now where do we go now
Is there any wonder you wont fight
Where do we go now where do we go now
Have there been to many wrongs to right
I'd say goodbye but

Always is in your eyes
In all ways I realize
That always is you and I
Always

Even my dreams have a soundtrack.

So the other week i had a dream that actually had a soundtrack. I didn't think much of it cause it was a rather silly dream with a weird tracklist...Lisa Loeb followed by Fear Factory. But just now i had one with a more profound song in the background...Gin Blossoms 'Found Out About You'. Seems like this one kinda reminded me of Anna. No not Anna Paquin. I dated a girl named Anna a little after high school. It was meaningless really, i really didn't care about her much, she was more there because i was bored. Eventually i found out from her friend Melissa that she was cheating on me. That was the first time i was flagrantly cheated on, and to be honest i really didn't care. Probably because i got with Melissa not long after for yet another meaningless relationship. Eventually i got smart and detached from that group completely. The coolest thing about dating Anna was the fact that she lived next door to my old history teacher...Mr Chorney. I remember one time i was banging her and the window was open and i knew he could hear us since he was doing yardwork...so out of the blue i shouted 'MR CHORNEY YOU TAUGHT ME SO MUCH!' I'm glad i'm not all crazy like that anymore...mostly.

Todays song of the day is Gin Blossoms - Found Out About You

All last summer in case you don't recall
I was yours and you were mine forget it all
Is there a line that I could write
Sad enough to make you cry
All the lines you wrote to me were lies
The months roll past the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
Things you said and did to me
Seemed to come so easily
The love I thought I'd won you give for free
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
Rumors follow everywhere you go
Like when you left and I was last to know
You're famous now and there's no doubt
In all the places you hang out
They know your name and know what you're about
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you
Street lights blink on through the car window
I get the time too often on AM radio
You know it's all I think about
I write your name drive past your house
Your boyfriend's over I watch your light go out
Whispers at the bus stop
I heard about nights out in the school yard
I found out about you