My heart is no longer mine...it's yours.

It's been awhile since i posted here...i guess i'm more inspired to write when things are going bad. It's 9pm and i'm about to get ready for work again...2nd day back after vacation and thank god...i didn't have to 'dehumanize.' Something i never expected to happen happened. This terrible horrible rotten person that i am has been seen for what i truly am. The passion that was poisoned months ago is being cleansed. I want to wake up again. I'm finding peaceful sleep again. I was so close to being completely destroyed these past 7 months...but i rise up again, not alone. You know who you are....thank you so much.

"The night is my own, the night is my throne.
I can devour anything, for tonight i am not alone."

Spoke in the Wheel

Lord, I Question Whether I've had my fill
Lord, I Question whether I can take much more
you may laugh as I lay here bleeding
no more afters or befores

Some day you'll know just how I feel
you left me there twice before
Some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

so you say im just another dollar
so you say I'm just another day yeah
once my blood was strong but now its jaded and its thin
unlike you I can still tell right from wrong

some day you'll know just how it feels
while you left me there twice before
some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

some day you'll know just how it feels
while you left me there twice before
some day you'll know just how it feels
shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride
like you were never nothing special
made you feel like another spoke in the wheel

Reinvention.

Gonna keep it short and sweet. I'm actually happy now. I feel more complete than i have in years. But with that happiness comes a new challenge...a challenge i'm willing to deal with.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Black....this is for you


Hey... oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass
Of what was everything?
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...
Uh huh... uh huh... ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine

Reflection.

Surprisingly my depression seems to still be taking a backseat. I've felt pretty good the past month. I'm hoping i actually may be beating this thing...but i'm always prepared for it to come back with a vengence. I'm beginning to trust again. Probably the most incredible thing to happen this past few weeks is starting to talk to Heather. It's so awesome to have a girl to talk to where there is no tension or need to impress. I think that's just what i needed...someone sweet i can talk to that i have no interest in 'going too far' with. It's funny how you have to talk certain ways to people. For instance i have to talk to Shel a certain way because of what she is to me...not to say i'm hiding things or being dishonest...it's just i have to say what i want to say in certain ways. Mo is kinda the same way...but not for the same reasons. I have to be really careful with her as to not give her the wrong idea. I do see that she seems somewhat interested in me...but that will not happen. But it's totally different with Heather, there's just none of that tension...she's a friend that i'm beginning to trust, and that's the one thing that's gonna help me stave off this sadness for at least a little longer.

Today's song of the day is Testament - Alone In The Dark


When I was but very young
Sorcerers came to claim my mind
Leaving death and hatred to unmask
The master of the game had won
And let his final sin be known
Killing those who stand in his path


Alone in the dark
Where the demons are torturing me
The dark passages of revenge is all that I see


Armies of witches
Are called in from the north
Murders of elders occur
The high priest of evil
Has lowered his iron fist
Thousands of people will die

The slaughter of the innocent
The house is burning
That lights the sky
My nightmare has begun to unfold
The hissing of the cobras tongue
Sound and feel of ripping flesh
Fall two thousand feet from the sky

My terror has controlled my life and
Let my only weakness known
I got to rid this hell from my head
I fight off evil sorcerers
Rid my mind of his torture and
Meet the falling angel in his realm


Faustus prepares the legions of the night
Diviners from the far north arrive
Aimlessly people there huddled in a pack
Wreaking deadly havoc on mankind

I fall in my deepest sleep
To meet the evil asteroth
His title is the grand duke of hell
I fight until the end is near
To rid my mind of hopes and fears
My destination lies in my dreams

SET ME FREE

I am self-made.

People are a product of their environment. Successful people are generally brought up in a well-bred, stable household. Unsavory people are usually brought up in the opposite. I've met many people in my 25 years on this shitball we call Earth, and unlike most people i look deeper into people than others do. Most take people at face value. For instance...Matt. He was brought up in a home with both parents present, steady income, no worries about bills and the like during his childhood...and now he's a pilot making quite a bit of money, and is apparently happy with his girlfriend. Now we look at Steve. Brought up in a broken home. Mother and father constantly fighting. at 15 his father left. He spent a good 7 years off the grid, so to speak. Just now he's beginning to get his life in order...and im proud of him. And now we come to the point of this post...my critique of myself. I was raised in a similar place as Steve was. My mother was always good to me...but i cannot say the same about my father and brother. My brother had the idea that since i was the youngest i was the 'favored' one. I guess that may have been true on some levels. But his reactions to things that happened over the years were not good to say the least. And now it stands i don't talk to him unless i have to. My father. For the first 12 years of my life he was an asshole...but a sober asshole. In one night my entire childhood was shattered. I'm not going to get into that because frankly...i don't want to. Bottom line, he was now an asshole with alcohol to fuel him. I heard stories about what he used to do to my brother and sister before i was born. Sometimes i wonder why he never got that bad with me. He used to hit me when i did something REALLY bad...mostly before i was 16. After that he really never tried to get physical with me again...probably because at that point i was alot bigger than he was. I'm sure my mother drilled into him...'He's not like Wayne or Kim...he will take your head off if you try anything physical.' and thats true. I have never known hatred other than for my father. So at that point i was left with the emotional abuse...which in my mind is far worse than getting beat. That went on for years...until i was around 19 and my mother and i decided it was time to leave. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My father went to work at 5am. We had to pack all of our things and load it into a U-Haul before 4pm. It was quite alot of work...you don't realize how much stuff you truly have until you move. I remember towards the end of that packing up my more delicate stuff, guitars, amps, pc, and putting them in my car. I got into my car and looked out the window at the house i lived in for 13 years, and i got choked up. I woul've cried if the wave of anger didn't strike me at that moment. Anger for the bastard who took it all away from us. A couple years later i drove through my old neighborhood to see what my old house looks like....completely unrecognizable. Since then i've spoken to my father once...and that was not even expected. I went into the deli to get a pack of smokes and i don't notice him standing at the other counter. He says 'cant even say hi to your own father?' I get my cigs and as im walking out i say 'i only have one thing to say to you...fuck you.' and left. I am truly amazed i turned out so well considering what i've had to endure. I have a decent job, good friends, and i know i can love. The 3 people that have known and been with me the whole ride i feel i should thank. So thank you Maureen, Steve, and Shel. I wouldn't have turned out so sweet without you guys.


Today's song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - Gets Me Through


I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
I have a vision that I just can't control
I feel I've lost my spirit and sold my soul
Got no control

I try to entertain you the best I can
I wish I'd started walking before I ran
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah
It gets me through yeah

The feelings that I hide behind
Sometimes reality's unkind
The nightmares stalk for me at night
I dread the long and lonely nights

I'm not the kind of person you think I am
I'm not the anti-christ or the iron man
But I still love the feeling I get from you
I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah