Inside a Closed Mind

Feel me float into you
a masquerade
i flow beyond your senses
all you feel has been a charade

My grip tightens around your throat
eclipsing feeling beyond
i am all you need now
lover, father, God

tune in, drop out
evacuation of the damned
i am your fear, i am your doubt
for me, you are condemned

Justify your behavior
with a simple prick
i don't care what you've done
as long as you submit

Love is not a factor
desire is all that matters
my flames pour into your vein
elude all the pain

Drift beyond all self-control
together we are all
don't mind the trance
for i will take you to that place

Warmth, Serenity, Distortion, Complete
Suffocation, Tremors, Blind, Black
i must now take my leave
come back to me to bleed


it's a working progress...still havent narrowed out what i want as verses or the chorus, more than likely will scrap the whole thing since i need to be writing stuff with 4 peoples opinions

The end of all law...no warning shot

Why does it seem like every girl i date has some sort of serious mental problem? Be it depression, self-obsession, jealousy, 'cocksluttery' as i like to dub it. It seems like i'm damned to attract the 'wrong' kind of women. Lately i've been getting crazy play from girls. Wish i knew why. But once again they all have 'issues.' What i truly want is a girl that could be considered 'normal.' Someone i don't have to walk on eggshells for. Someone i can tell everything i feel to without fear of judgement. I want someone that relies on me to make them feel better. I want someone thats not afraid to cry in front of me. I want someone whos totally honest with me and doesn't give me a bullshit runaround. Funny how when i describe my 'perfect' girl sex isn't even in the criteria. My perfect girl. I thought i had her at one point. I'm sure she knows who she is. At this point i could never get back together with her...not after seeing the real her. But bar none...what my perfect girl NEEDS to understand...is that she will be my everything, my rock, my world, until my children are born. She needs to understand that she won't be able to compare to the love i will have for my children. My kids will be my reason for living. I will do anything and everything to make them happy and comfortable. I know once i lay eyes on my first child this warped, vengeful, vindictive person that i am will die, and be replaced with a Father. I want to be everything MY father never was. I want to teach my kids from my experiences. I want them to break the mold of this generation and be real people that can stand on their own 2 feet. And i will do everything in my power to lead them down the right path, because i've traveled both paths. One day in the distant future once i have found you, my fiancee/wife/whichever, you'll be reading this, so you know where i've come from...please have the honesty to tell me if i've changed my views on being a parent. If i have slap me back to reality.

Today's song of the day is Pantera - Floods

My friends are so depressed.

Through the drudgery of daily life my friends are the only thing that get me through. Only when i'm around them do i feel a little less lonely. I think my friends are the most important part of my life right now, based solely on the fact that they are present for no selfish reasons that i can see. I've been used alot throughout my years...be it for sex, money, mental stability, or whatever. My good friend Pete is going through a rough time right now and i don't know what i should do about it. I feel like i should do SOMETHING. Poor guys got court coming up soon, more than likely gonna end up doin a little time. It seems like he's getting too deep into his 'habit.' I really wanna help him out but that drug is the one thing i promised myself i would stay far away from. I don't scare easily but heroin scares the shit out of me. Not because its dangerous or highly addictive, i'm scared because of the stories i've heard of the first time you use it. The most incredible feeling you've ever felt...better than the best sex you've ever had. Alot of my friends have experimented with it and still use it on occasion, and they all say the same thing...everything feels better when they're high on that shit.

Which brings me to my next gripe...these so-called 'smart' people. The ones who think because they can toss out a few big words and they know useless facts that they're better than 'people like me.' I'm not gonna lie and say im a smart guy, because i know i'm not, but the reality of the world is all the book learning and general facts you can ever learn will not save you in the real world. These smart people that are afraid of their own shadows are what is wrong with this country. I can say with full certainty that they are raising their children to be absolute pussies. Too afraid to step out into the real world. Too afraid to take chances in life, the chances that make life worth living. Too afraid to raise your fists and defend yourself, they're taught to run to mommy and daddy when shit goes down. And what is the next generation of adults gonna be like? Even worse. I understand you need to instill a degree of comfort and sensitivity in your children but for god's sake...teach your kids to defend themselves! Fighting happens, in school, between siblings, everywhere. Violence is in our nature, we have to learn to control those violent feelings and reserve them for when they're needed, not push them down competely, because if you continue to raise your children to buckle under the pressure of someone stronger than them then they will end up either dead or as currency in the state penn.

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Eyes of the Insane

All my angels are gone

I'm going on my 3rd week of sobriety again. I decided i really want to stop doing what i do. Things change...everything changes but nothing ever gets better. For years i was able to bury my emotions and feelings behind humor. Whenever i'm around people i joke around and i make people laugh. It's all just to distract me. Some days i feel ok...like things are gonna get better...like i'm gonna meet someone that i really feel deeply for. Other days...i'm breaking apart inside. It gets really bad when i try and sleep and am left alone to darkness and my thoughts. Whenever i begin to drift behind the wall of sleep my mind fills with the most painful images and thoughts and i wake up wide awake. Before this year i hadn't cried since i was like 12...now 9 times out of 10 i fall asleep in tears. Such an embarrassing admition considering what my image is but it's true. I feel so fucking empty inside. I feel like there's no light at the end of my tunnel. I feel that each passing day is going to be worse and there isnt a fucking thing i can do about it. I honestly, truly, deeply, with all the passion in my heart...HATE myself.

Traveling in Stygian

Everyone has a crutch. Some people do drugs, some eat, some sit in their basements and play video games for hours. There's about as many escapes for people as there are people. One of the most painful ones to see are the "attention whores", the women who will do anything to be noticed. I've said it many times to many different people..."sluts are awesome, until you care about one." Then there's the ones who refuse to accept the fact that they're whores. They're typically the ones who believe they won't be accepted or liked or loved unless they spread their legs. I feel bad for those people. Sure i haven't been a saint as far as my sex life has gone but for the most part i had genuine feelings for the person i was with at the time. Pinning feelings to sex stops you from doing something stupid. Maybe i feel this way cause a good friend of mine has aids. I feel terrible for her but she did it to herself. I'm still really mad at her for letting that happen to her, and in turn i don't talk to her or see her. I guess im selfish in that respect...i don't want to watch her die. But then i see people i care about going down that same road. It only takes one person to start a chain reaction that will wipe out an entire group of people. And hey guess what? That's only one STD! There's a ton more even more fun ones out there! I guess what i'm trying to say is i'm done hopping into bed with anyone right away. It may be hard sometimes but i always have my crutches.

Diary Of A Madman

screaming, at the window
watch me die another day
hopeless, situation
endless price i have to pay

sanity now is beyond me
there's no choice

diary, of a madman
walk the line again today
entries of confusion
dear diary, i'm here to stay

manic depression befriends me
hear his voice
sanity now is beyond me
there's no choice

a sickened mind and spirit
the mirror tells me lies
could i mistake myself for someone
who lives beyond my eyes
will he escape my soul
or will he live in me
is he trying to get out
or trying to enter me?

voices, in the darkness
scream away my mental health
can i ask a question
to help me save me from myself

enemies fill up the pages
are they me?
monday through sunday in stages
set me free....................ohhhhh


no song fits these entries more...yay ozzy

Guilty of innocence

This post was way overdue. I can't remember when i met Mo. I think Sarah introduced us. Wow i really can't remember....that's scary. When i first laid eyes on her i thought she was such a cutie. We used to talk for hours at night...this was back when i was like 14 and she was 13. We'd talk about nothing in particular. I didn't see her nearly as much as i'd like to. Granted she was only like 5 miles away but thats pretty fuckin far when you're 14. I remember we used to chill at the train tracks and make out. I still get a kick out of the fact that the first time i felt her up was in a church parking lot. Like i said we were young and innocent so even small things like that were exciting. I really don't know why she stands out in my mind among other girls. Anyways, things went south for some reason that i still don't know and we didnt talk for a long time. A couple years later she called one day out of the blue. We went right back to where we were. Well not right away. We spent a few months talking and catching up. We both found our monkeys on our backs, which would lead to our demise but thats later on. I got really close to her over those couple months. I remember every night at 11:11 we would make a wish. Eventually we started going out again. I can say with all honesty that when i was with her i was at my happiest...even when she was braiding my hair. We connected in so many ways. She learned to play guitar during the time we werent talking which was rad. I used to bring my beat up Montaya and my amp when i went over there and we'd jam. She writes poetry too. Another connection since i write music. During that time i was drifting away from drugs, and she was getting deeper in. I really cared about her and wanted her to stop too. She was apprehensive but she agreed. We went on for a long time. Until one day i was on the phone with her and she said 'oh me and *insert girls name that i cant remember* went down to the city to cop' (cop means to go buy drugs for the laypeople in the audience) All i said was 'I gotta go' and hung up. And that was it. I really did care about her, perhaps more than i should. I was an absolute mess after that (and still am). Perhaps its my fault for ending it so abruptly. I don't know why i still think about the bad times. It's funny how i was so upset about her drug use and look at me now...always running to the bottle or the bowl when i get down. Perhaps we get what we put in...maybe drugs were the reason for the latest abandonment. I guess i'll never know.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Last Exit

I used to go to bed so high and wired.

It's funny how the past comes back to you like a bullet between your eyes. Things that i thought were dead and buried come back to haunt me. Chapters in my life that were closed are reopening and i don't know how i feel about it. My ex came around yesterday and we hung out. It was so weird...it felt like i was back in Vernon again. It felt comfortable. It was her scent that brought me back. I really don't know why the fates have decided to compund all the pressure of a lifetime into a 6 month period for me but it's so debilitating. I'm completely stressed out over everything. I just wish i could get a clear cut answer on what i should do. I don't know who to trust anymore. The whole Sarah thing really fucked up my trust issues. I was really making some headway there with her. All to be betrayed in the end with silence. But that's in the past, someone that could do that to me isn't worth me giving the time of day to. It's time to look to the future. Be it cloudy and uncertain it's a future i intend to be a part of. I will not let her destroy my spirit. I will love again, and it will be reflected back to me. Because deep down i think i'm a good person, no matter what some self-absorbed bitch thinks.

Today's song of the day is Since The Flood - In My Way

Thats what i get

So another weekend at the funnest place in the world. Right now i'm about to get ready to go in for my last night of the weekend at work, and i feel like a rabbit with a carrot on a string. All weekend so far i've been working near Jen. We spend most of the night just talking and flirting. And on friday i finally met her husband, a gumpy guy with no personality and a weird haircut. I guess i see now why she seems interested in me. I seem to be the person girls like to 'escape' to. That really makes me feel shitty, like im not good enough as a standalone guy, i have to be compared to something awful to be seen as a fun person. I should've learned my lesson with my last endeavor with a girl that was taken. But on the bright side Jen gave me her cell number. I really don't know what to do. I do like her, shes really cute and she seems nice, but i was roped like this before. I apparently must have some deep-seeded desire for managers or something. Weird since i'm Mr. Anti-Authority. But the thing that bothers me the most is i look at Jen and i see a sweet girl, a beautiful girl, someone i can talk to, someone i think i could trust one day, i see Sarah. I cannot get her out of my head. I think that's why i like Jen so much...she reminds me of her. I just can't let go.

On a completely unrelated note i have written the riff entitled 'The Snappy Snacky Riff'

Today's song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - I Just Want You