Ever-Increasing Circles: March 2007

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

'I lost my phone number...can i have yours?'

Saturday, March 24, 2007

'This is the most fucked up crew i've run in the past 18 years'

So said Aldo, my boss. That's the truth. I've decided to create a reality TV show based on our night crew. Obviously it'll be aired on HBO or Cinemax. I took a look from the outside and realized how funny our crew is from an outsiders perspective. Example...i'm in charge of nicknaming new people. I've come up with quite a few. Bullet for Joey, he thought it was because he did his job so quickly, so i told him 'no, its because you'd work better with a bullet in your fuckin head.' Jerry i named Faggot because im convinced he wants to suck me off...and i'm scared. Carls name was easy...he's this short fat guy that doesn't talk too much...so he is known as Hot Karl. Floyd i nicknamed Uncle Dizzle cause he hooks me up with some good shit, plus hes a great guy. Joe-bot got his name from his robotronic movements, and he looks like me....in 20 years. Chicken-butt...the dyke we had for a few weeks that i tried to fuck...before i found out she was a carpet licker. Her name was determined by the fact that when she walked her ass didnt go from side to side...it went in a circle. But the fact of the matter is i love that crew. I have a blast with them...and as of now theyre the only ones that can make me actually cry laughing, and the only reason i'm still working there.

Today's song of the day is Pantera - Suicide Note Pt. 2

Out of my mind,
gun up to the mouth
No pretension, execution, live and learn , rape and turn
Fret not family,
nor pre-judged army
This is for me,
and me only, cowards only
Try it

[Chorus]
Don't you try to die, like me
It's livid and it's lies and makes graves
Graves descending down

It's not worth the time to try, to replenish a rotting life
I'll end the problem, facing nothing, fuck you off, fuck you all
Tortured history, addict of misery, this exposes me
for weakness is a magnet - watch me do it

[Chorus]

Why would you help anyone who doesn't want it,
doesn't need it, doesn't want your shit advice
when a mind's made up to go ahead and die?
What's done is done and gone, so why cry?

Thursday, March 22, 2007

My misery has been formulated into an equation of 9.

Today i woke up and felt rested...a feeling i haven't had in a long time. I really do feel so much better this past week. I'm actually looking forward to things again. The best part is i feel better without the aid of substances. I guess its a good thing i never had to take medication for my depression. I think the most important part of feeling better is being able to put a face to my depression. As of now...9:10pm 3/22/07 i have hope. I realize now that love isn't a necessity to happiness.

Today's song of the day is Metallica - To Live is to Die

When a Man Lies He Murders
Some Part of the World
These Are the Pale Deaths Which
Men Miscall Their Lives
All this I Cannot Bear
to Witness Any Longer
Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation
Take Me Home

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

An eventful 2 weeks.

Where do i start? At the beginning i suppose. So last week during the major cold snap i noticed my drivers side tire was losing air...so naturally i fill it up. 2 days later...dead flat. Fix-a-Flat. No good. Throw the spare on and drive to ETD to get a new pair of tires. $220 bucks. All is well with the world...until i notice my oil pressure dropping really badly. Bring car to the shop...another 200 bucks. So for 5 days i was without wheels. Thank god Mo was willing to stay here and help me out with getting to work. Thanks hun i'll repay ya somehow. What i learned from this whole ordeal is a couple things...first off the people who really are willing to go out of their way and help me out, and how things happen for a reason. If February actually happened i wouldn't have had any money saved up...and i would be completely fucked right now. And lastly...the one thing i learned that really matters...i'm beginning to heal. I'm not tormented at night by dreams of her anymore. Excommunication was the answer. And now i know who i really do love. You know who you are. The one whos been behind me the past 7 years. Thank you.

Today's song of the day is Mastodon - Colony of Birchmen

This forest is growing faster than I can tell
Cell structure eats away at a massive swell
Seems however I'm a victim of circumstance
Hunt for ogres and dwarfs
Lion slicer
Run with death
Run with death
White faces coming closer with every step
Earth envelopes taking breath without happenstance
Carve my teeth out ripping through the sheep's head curse
Hunter gatherer
Ridden from the cave
Run with death
Run with death
Gone away
My heart's gone away
Taking everything
My heart's gone away
Take it now
Hunt for ogres and dwarfs
Lion slicer
Run with death
Run with death
Gone away
My heart's gone away
Taking everything
My heart's gone away
Take it now

Friday, March 16, 2007

'I'm not crazy' 'This is a private office, everything is confidental' 'Well then, confidentially, i'm fucking crazy'

2 seperate people called me crazy yesterday. I used to think that i was always a little tweaked out...but crazy? Nah. ALOT of my friends have told me lately that i've changed, that i'm being more aggitated and 'emo'. They're right, i see it myself. I can pinpoint exactly when things spiraled out of control...September. A friend of mine told me i should give it up on these 'crazy bitches' and find myself a normal girl to settle down with...she's right. Granted im attracted to that 'craziness' i do need to find someone that truly grounds me. Not someone that makes me forget by seduction or telling me lies that i want to hear. And therein lies the problem...my biggest problem is attracting the 'normal' girls. I have no trouble at all getting play from the depressed, mentally unstable, call them what you will. I guess i have a new challenge ahead of me. And for those 2 people who decided that i'm crazy...fuck you...i was in love...but the symptoms were the same.

Today's song of the day is Opeth - Hope Leaves

In the corner beside my window
There hangs a lonely photograph
There is no reason
I'd never notice
A memory that could hold me back

There is a wound that's always bleeding
There is a road I'm always walking
And I know you'll never return to this place

Gone through days without talking
There is a comfort in silence
So used to losing all ambition
Struggling to maintain what's left

Once undone, there is only smoke
Burning in my eyes to blind
To cover up what really happened
Force the darkness unto me

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Relocation.

I'm going to be changing the address to this blog...seems to be too obvious for people that i dont really want to see my blog to find it...if you are a continued reader get in touch with me and ill give you the new address.

EDIT: fuck that i'm not changing the address...i have nothing to hide.

Today's song of the day is Testament - Troubled Dreams

Troubled dreams
Of a wandering nomad
Damned to be all by myself I travelled far
Following bright stars
Through the endless desert sands
Starring off into the sky
Down on Myself
Loneliness brings my demise
Oh,what a nightmare
Here we go
Leave me be
Why must I please them
When I can't even please myself
Deep in thoughts
But I still feel so
Lost in endless despair
Starring off into the sky
Down on myself
Loneliness brings my demise
Oh,what a nightmare
Here we go
As you soon realize
The nights so black I feel blind
Should I keep wandering on
On and on and on
There's just one thing you should know
No I can't take it no more
Two wrongs don't make it right
Right or wrong I can't take it
And in the end you will find
Find me a peace of mind
Forever lost
Severing my thoughts
From the dream I must seek
Time to end
This aggravation
The nomad spirit lives in me

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Troubled Dreams Pt. IV

Time for another dream. This one is about Mo. Simple dream really. I was driving in the old neighborhood and i drove past her house. Flash. I'm sitting on her floor playing my guitar while shes laying on the couch watching TV. She waves me to come closer to her...so i go and sit up against the bottom of the couch. She says no and pats the seat of the couch. I sit down. She puts her hand on my chest and guides me down to lay with her. She takes a bit of my hair in her hand and begins to twirl it between her fingers. Then she looks into my eyes and says 'you take a long time to forgive' and goes to kiss me. i tilt my head so she misses my lips and i brush her hair off of her neck and begin to kiss it. Then i wake up.

my summary : Dreams are a portal into what you dont want to believe or cant see...what i gather from that dream is i still dont love her, but she can still seduce me...thats the reasoning behind the evasion of the kiss. Seduction is NOT what i need right now, and neither is she.

Today's song of the day is Anthrax - Only

Everything is perfect
Everything is sick, that's it
You can't tell me to stop it
You can't tell me not to quit, that's it

Revolve around yourself
It's you and no one else
Hard for me to stay
Swinging moods that change
From calmness to deranged
Unpredictable, unpredictable

You would see if
Only
You hadn't taken things out of my hands
Only
You never wanted to understand

Clasing ways to live here
Compromise for me
I'm at both ends of the spectrum
You're somewhere in the between
Ah, come clean

Crucified, terrified, sacrifice, my whole life
If only...
I can't contain myself
I can't contain myself
I just can't take myself

Rebirth.

This depression has to end. I can't rely on anyone else to help me with it...so i will look to myself, the only person i can trust. I'm tired of beating myself up over failed relationships when i was backed into a corner. You all will see what i really am now. Call me a womanizer. Call me a junkie. Call me what you want. I will be Me. My spirit will remain strong. My ideals will remain intact. My views on life will remain the same. As of now i will reroute my pain...into my drive. This is for me and me alone. I might be selfish but fuck you...its about time i worried about myself. Fuck the Thousand Suns.

Today's song of the day is Pearl Jam - Immortality

vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Perspective

All my problems have been put in perspective. Pete never told any of us his court date. He's now in jail...with a bail of $2000. That's roughly all of my savings since the beginning of the year. It's time for yet another decision. I already know the original plan for the money i was gonna save this year is not going to happen. My new plan was to go west...Arizona maybe. I just now see what has been happening to me...my mind has been clouded by those 2 people. The choice was put in front of me, something familiar, or continue to chase. I've made my decision. I choose neither. I'd rather be alone than to deal with Sarah's bullshit, and id rather die than be betrayed by Mo again. So here i am. Alone. With nothing but my friends. The ones that truly care about me. I'm just pissed off that i wasted so much time on her. I really should've learned from Anna and saw it coming, come to think of it...i did see it coming from the beginning. It was damned from the beginning for one singular reason...a reason i will never say. Such is my life. I learned one lesson from all of this...i will NEVER write a song for a girl again.

Today's song of the day is The Veil

Saturday, March 10, 2007

I am a terrible person. All i do is hurt people.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Troubled Dreams Pt. III

Round and round we go. This time it was about her. I used to consider dreams about her beautiful...now they're nightmares. I wouldn't consider this a sex dream...more of a fucking tease of what should be. I dreamt she called me and told me she was sick, so naturally i went there and took care of her. I was laying next to her and she started kissing me...straddled me and kissed me deeper. Then i woke up. I need a fucking bullet in my head.

Today's song of the day is Unloco - Failure

Troubled Dreams Pt. II

As expected the dreams continue to get worse. Last nights dream was that i was in jail for 5 years for a crime i didn't commit. I remember being in my cell alone...cot in the corner...cross on the wall...and going to see my mom who was the only one that would visit me. I've noticed my dreams lately have had a recurring theme. Being trapped somewhere or in a situation. I'd like to know where these dreams are coming from.

Onto another topic...apparently it's my annual 'Everything is Gonna Break' week. Last year my ps2 broke, my water pump broke, and my turn signal wand doohickey thing broke. This year so far my watch died and my tire mysteriously went flat, probably due to the super cold weather this week...which begs the question...whats next to break? That is all.

Today's song of the day is Scum of the Earth - The Devil Made Me Do It

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Troubled Dreams

Well my nightmares are getting worse...my old escape of sleep even haunts me. Most of the dreams are nonsense...but yesterdays was really bad. There wasn't anything particularly scary or bad about it, it was one of those dreams where i was desperatly trying to wake up and i couldn't. I'm a free-spirited person and being trapped like that is the worst thing in the world for me. When i finally did wake up i felt really weird. Like i was still dreaming for a good 30 minutes. And thats all i have to say today.

Today's song of the day is Six Feet Under - This Poison Hand

Monday, March 5, 2007

I'm nothing like your father.

Late night post so it won't make much sense. Actually i don't have much to say except the people i want to understand me don't, and the ones that i don't want to understand me do. The one that does understand me scares me...because she sees things i do not want people to see about me. The main one that doesn't understand me sees things in me that aren't there, hence the title of this post. I think the biggest question in my mind is...'which one of us is going to end up with this chipped bone?'...the one constant.

Today's song of the day is 3 - Queen, which comes complete with the lyrics since they're so deep

Torn apart
Begging the forgiveness of your heart
No words can provide
Ours is a deeper truth inside
You called me out
Now all the tides are turning us to doubt

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

Blown away
Blinded in the brightness of our day
No lens can provide
Ours is a vision deep inside
Still you call me out
Now the tides are turning us to doubt

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

In the mirror glass
Watch the world drift past too fast
And deep inside
You know I'd die
The perfect love
The meaning of the poem is true
It imitates your life
The wind blows over the wall tonight, my love

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

I'm dreaming
I'm drowning
I'm wide awake
Breathing in and breathing out
The beast within the priest without
A lonely voice
And I need to make it over the wall tonight, my love

P.S. nothing in the world is cooler than watching mo play the rhythm to 'Fade to Black' while i slip into the song with the lead and jam on the whole song out of the blue.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Where is your Faith now?

So i was talking to Steve last night, about Matt. Apparently he's lost. Lost in his girlfriend and God. Somehow he got in his head that all things good come from God, and all things bad that happen to him shouldn't happen because of his faith. He's under the belief that God will give him all that he desires. I'm not one to push my beliefs or lack thereof onto people, but i feel like i better do something before it's too late. People believe in God and Heaven out of fear, fear of death and the black that it is. They devote their entire lives to please Him. What an empty existence. Am i to believe that if i open my wallet and throw more money into the plate that He will show me more mercy? Religion is organized brainwashing...all for the Almighty Dollar. I personally don't worship anything, i only believe in people. I believe in the spirit of humanity. I'm not so simple minded to believe that there is a Satan too because there isnt. It's all a fairy tale, and Matt is falling into it. I think it's partly due to his girl...girls have a tendancy to make you believe in things that you never have before. All i know is that if i choose to be a good person it's because "I" chose to...not because of some fairy tale deity pushing me in that direction. Why can't people see what i see?

Today's song of the day is Slayer - Read Betweeen the Lies