All my angels are gone

I'm going on my 3rd week of sobriety again. I decided i really want to stop doing what i do. Things change...everything changes but nothing ever gets better. For years i was able to bury my emotions and feelings behind humor. Whenever i'm around people i joke around and i make people laugh. It's all just to distract me. Some days i feel ok...like things are gonna get better...like i'm gonna meet someone that i really feel deeply for. Other days...i'm breaking apart inside. It gets really bad when i try and sleep and am left alone to darkness and my thoughts. Whenever i begin to drift behind the wall of sleep my mind fills with the most painful images and thoughts and i wake up wide awake. Before this year i hadn't cried since i was like 12...now 9 times out of 10 i fall asleep in tears. Such an embarrassing admition considering what my image is but it's true. I feel so fucking empty inside. I feel like there's no light at the end of my tunnel. I feel that each passing day is going to be worse and there isnt a fucking thing i can do about it. I honestly, truly, deeply, with all the passion in my heart...HATE myself.