The past is a scary thing. I look back into my past and i fully understand all my decisions, be them right or wrong. The scary past is the past of others. I hear stories from people about all sorts of things, but when they tell me about personal, painful memories i'm filled with a genuine, intense fear. There's a few reasons for that. Number one being why would they impart that knowledge to me. Number two is learning things about people that i didn't know. I understand that learning new things about people is the road to building a better friendship/relationship/whatever but in some weird way i want them to be just as i picture them. Funny how it never ends up that way.
I wear my past on my sleeve, in a most literal sense. 'Normal' people seem to be apprehensive around me. Granted i don't look like the type of guy you'd take home to mom. The way i dress, the long hair, the goatee, 'the eyes', the scars...all point people to one determined judgement of me. That i'm not right in the head, and you know what? They're fucking right. The strange thing is the people that actually do get to know me love me. Some people ask why i don't just 'conform' and cut the hair and look like everyone else. There's a simple explanation for that. I refuse to do anything to please anyone else but myself. This is who i am. I might be self-destructive, headed for an early grave, drinking and smoking myself to death, but thats ME. Changing myself to better suit the majority of people is a fucking cop-out. I don't hide from anyone. People may see my substance abuse as me trying to hide but it's not, i'm dulling the pain. The pain that most of you don't feel. Nothing as pedestrian as physical pain. I've been fighting a severe bout of depression since November and i'm losing to my Hate. Numbness is the only thing that puts me to sleep. And once i do get to sleep...oh the dreams...jabs of insults and degenerating sanity born from my mind. My stomach always hurts. I'm lonely. I can't truly connect with anyone. When i do begin to connect with someone i sabotage it. I'm destined to be alone. No one understands me. The ones that think they do hurt me the most. I'm at my end. As of right now i feel absolutely no hope for the future to be better. For any of my friends that are reading this read this....fuck you for giving a shit about me, the only thing im good for is hurting people so i may as well show you at my best.
Today's song of the day is Bleed The Sky - Skin Un Skin
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