Faithless

well i met myself today all my fear they went away but no ones inside, no one is inside, no one is inside. im overrated how did i come this far?
WASTED you see me! you wont believe this place i found. im gonna leave it all behind im coming back from the ground. my feelings i remember but the memory is long gone. i leave some room for destiny and then i take it all.
FACELESS you see me. theres people crying all around.
IM CALLING FOR YOU CONSTANTLY but you dont hear a sound. these walls around form a fire. the night surrounds me, my forecast overthrown.
the night is my own, the night is my throne. i can devour anything. because tonight i am alone.
dont ask why.
dont ask why.
ill tell you lie upon lie upon lie upon lie.
this fire burns in your eyes.
dont ask why.
if theres one thing i know is true, the suns fire burns in your eyes.

I can't save you, I can't even save myself

My life has spiraled out of my control. Everything seems to be sliding into the negative side of the spectrum. A good friend of mine is getting locked up again, work is beating the shit out of me, and the final straw...i fell off the wagon on saturday night. Nothing is right anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i should give up. Christmas is 5 days away and i have no desire to associate with anyone. I'm slipping back to where i used to be. There's no thoughts of suicide...but there is no fear of death. For the longest time i lived my life not caring whether i lived or died, i'm almost back there again. I guess i finally got my answer to my Karma question i've been asking. I realized i was gone last night when i heard the song 'Killer of Giants' and broke into tears. My mind is no longer my own. Just remember the X that you knew loved you all very much. I'm sorry.

Todays song of the day is Ozzy Osbourne - Killer of Giants

You're the lucky one

The echos begin, focus delayed, borders of light, sounds twist into nonsense, thoughts blend, can't feel the drag from my cigarette, pain replaced with pressure, thoughts of her fill my head, reality is compromised, the misconception that everything is fine, everything echos, slightest light blinds my eyes, cold, empty, alone.

Illimitable Winter

{Verse}
Fall's death aborts the beginning
Broken limbs encompass my sight
The warm embrace of the sun
Is imprisoned by the promise of eternal night

The comfort of the rains frozen in time
Damned to exist as ice from the sky
All i see is death and decay
Rumors of rebirth led astray.

{Chorus}
Frozen prison, snowblind forever
Broken hope, lost passion
Crippling cold, blank stare
No end, no beginning
Shiver for me
You'll never be free

{Verse}
As I look into the sky
No stars in my eyes
The earth is a wasteland
Life stripped by God's hand

Warmth is all I desire
My personal lust for fire
Solitude, always married to winter
What's the difference I'm blind

{Chorus}
Frozen prison, snowblind forever
Broken hope, lost passion
Crippling cold, blank stare
No end, no beginning
Shiver for me
One day I'll be free

{Bridge}
The sun rises up into the heavens, erasing the agony of the Illimitable Winter, the sky opens up into a beautiful blue.
White gives way to the green and the brown of the earth, heat warms my near-frozen blood, rays press against my face.
This season has left us, perhaps wiser. Life breathes once again.

{Outro}
I see the children in the sun
Unaware of what was done
I pray for the long summer
For the Illimitable Winter is forever inside her


Now this should be interesting to put music to...natural harmonics gogogo!

Last December

December has been very bad to me this year. I can't sleep, i'm not eating right, i can't smile, i can't laugh. I keep looking to the holidays to make me feel better and i already see i'm gonna feel even worse. This is gonna be the first year where i have no one to kiss when the ball drops. I'm praying things will be better after the holidays. It needs to end. I can't hurt the people i love anymore because of how down i am. To anyone reading this thats been hurt by me this past 3 weeks i truly am sorry...this isn't the real me. But i suppose anyone who knows me well enough should know that. I love you all and the real me will be back soon...i hope.

Todays song of the day is Metallica - Loverman

I was like 'BLAAAAM!!!'

Since the turn of summer into fall i've been writing quite alot of music. That's one of the things i do when i'm down. But it seems everything i write lately is on a somber note. Mostly slow clean tone stuff riddled with verses of shredding. The lyrics ive written lately have me worried too. I usually don't sit down and write a full songs lyrics in one sitting. I kinda get inspired by things in my life and write down what i feel and decide later whether to commit it to a verse, chorus, bridge, intro, outro, whatever. "Pobrecito" is my pet project at the moment. I'm trying to really make that song into something special. But whenever i pick up my guitar to write the music to the lyrics it ends up being so angry. I really wanted it to be more of a ballad, considering what it means to me. Inspiration comes to me in such weird situations. One thing my girlfriends hated about me was i very rarely stayed in bed with them after sex. I was always the most inspired to write really good riffs afterwards. Joe-Bot keeps askin me when i'm gonna bring the new band together...and i don't know. Granted we have like 4 drummers 3 bassists 1 guitarist and no singer we're kinda stuck. I think im gonna try and recruit Sarah as the professional triangle player. Or maybe she could be the gong...ist? What do you call someone who plays the gong? But more than likely i'm just gonna give her a trash can and a baseball bat and tell her to go to town. Which brings me to the current state of music in the world. Why is every new song just some whiny bitch of a kid with a shitty singing voice singing about some bitch that wronged him? Whatever happened to the good old songs based on drug addiction, sex, suicide, and criminal insanity? Todays song of the day is a special one. No matter how lost or confused i ever am i can listen to this short acoustic piece and feel completely at ease for the duration of the song. Now i just need it looped in my head 24/7 and i'll be ok.

Todays song of the day is Morbid Angel - Desolate Ways

Life, Copulation, and Death...is this your life?

So i learned this morning that 4 big ass people DO NOT fit in a camaro. Well another weekend in retail hell is in the books, with only 4 stitches to show for it. Why is it the older you get the more you hate the holidays? Same with birthdays. It seems to me that the older you get the more miserable you get. I look at the way my parents were...all they ever did was go to work, come home, eat dinner, fight, and go to bed. I guess all people are like that. Sometimes i look at the generation coming up behind me and worry though. I keep hearing about kids that are 13, 14, 15 losing their virginity. When i was younger i had this misconception that women were more pure and innocent that guys were. How wrong i was. Anna taught me that. It seems like there's no more goodness in this world anymore. Everyone has a hidden agenda. Driven by their most base instinct, myself included. It seems like love is an afterthought. Just flipping through the channels on TV shows me that. Everything is based on sex. Anyways...

Last night i was sitting on the benches on break as usual, when Floyd lights up a joint and asks me if i want an 'attitude adjustment' It really is amazing that people can see how down i've been lately. I told him no. He asked why. I said 'i would disappoint someone i love if i did.' It was at that point when i realized why i'm sober. It's for her. It's always been for her. It's also for me but i feel like i want her to know the 'unpolluted' me. Granted i'm a fun guy when im fucked up, but i really had to close that chapter in my life. Which leads me to another impasse. At work the only 4 people i actually would consider friends outside of work are Joe, Floyd, Pete, and Mike. All of which do drugs regularly. Am i fucked up for trusting them? Well the little trust i can put in a friend. I guess it comes down to who they are after you strip away the drugs and the booze. They've always gone out of their way to make sure i was ok, and i do the same for them. We defend each other when the man comes down on us. And point blank...they are the only reason i'm still working there. It's not the job, it's the people who bring me back there. It's truly amazing how many people have come and gone in that job. Jeff came around on saturday night. He was my jewish nigga. We used to work right next to each other every night and just tear each other apart. 'Us long hairs gotta stick together' I haven't seen Shawn in a long time. He was bar none the coolest boss i ever had. He's only a year older than me so we were on the same level. I remember he used to just sit down where i was working and we would just talk, about nonsense really. I kinda wish things didnt happen the way they did with him. We got a new non-foods girl, and within a month he was dating her, which is a huge no-no where i work. So he got transferred. Last i heard he's been pulling alot of no call no shows and coming in late. Word is he got suspended pending termination, and came back demoted. I should give him a call and see if he's ok. There i go again worrying about people...it's my curse.

Todays song of the day is Nightwish - Crownless

Risparmia il Fiato

Just walked into my apartment, as usual its empty. My bed, empty. AIM, empty. Cellphone, calls from people i dont want to talk to. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? I'm not a bad looking guy i dont think. I have a good sense of humor. I'm not shallow. Yet every single day is a battle...a battle for my sanity. I feel it slipping away as the minutes pass. It's getting so bad i don't know if even she can save me. I've started lashing out at my friends. Fighting with my boss. Pushing everyone away and trying to pull her closer...the only good thing in my life right now. If this is what my life is going to consist of i dont fucking want it, because the only good thing is slipping away from me. With her i saw my pain washed away, without her i see nothing but absolute pain and loneliness. I'm scared. When i was 17 i had a very severe bout of depression...but i worked through it. It stole so much of my being in the process though. I cannot survive another one...my body will surely survive but everything good about me will be killed...and thats all i have left in this world...my spirit. Without my spirit i may as well be dead.

Todays song of the day is Megadeth - In My Darkest Hour

Quarantine

I sit and think sometimes about why i can't hold a relationship. I'm not so narrow-minded to think that its always their fault. I know theres something wrong with me. Sometimes i sit for hours trying to figure out what that is. With all the honestly in my mind i can say i ALWAYS try to work anything out in a relationship thats wrong, but it always ends up the same way. I try and connect with people on a spiritual level...and thats only happened twice in my life. Or maybe once. I already know that im capable of love...pure unfiltered love. But maybe my definition of love is different from others. It seems like everytime i really start feeling something for someone they start disappearing. I try so hard. I try to remedy what could possibly be wrong. I try and be there. I've been praying to whatever it is i pray to every night that jan/feb will change that and complete me. But in the back of my mind theres a voice saying 'you can never be with anyone, you're destined to be alone forever' and that voice is crippling me. What it comes down to is i don't wanna be alone anymore, i want someone that will be there for me. Even when i start getting stale they'll be there. Even when i start getting moody they'll be there to bring me back to reality. I want someone that will give me the moral support to make it through the day. I want someone that loves me unconditionally. I think deep down i'm a good person. I would give the shirt off my back to someone if they needed it. I'll go without to help someone in need. Maybe the truest thing i can say to myself is no one can ever love me, because ill end up ruining it in the end. It always has and always will be, My Fault.

Todays song of the day is Alice in Chains - Alone

you may experience a slight wave of euphoria...ya feel it?

Here i am doing all the stuff i need to get done for the new workweek in one day. I've gotten good at loafing around and compounding everything into friday morning. So far december hasnt been very kind to me. And its only gonna get worse. Working retail this time of the year is hell. I talked to Sarah last night and she's got it worse than me as far as work goes. I really hope she does ok and doesnt flip out. I'm not sure why i've been writing about my past so much lately, maybe its because its the holidays and i'm a reminicing kind of guy. Also Steve came back up to Jersey about a month ago after being in Texas for a few years. Me him and Matt#3 have been hanging out off and on. Haven't had a chance to talk to Sarah yet (why do my friends all have the same names?) Sarah was someone i really worried about. Its not like she had a particularly hard life or anything. I just saw things about her that scared me. I always thought she would end up pregnent by the age of 17 and watch her life go down the tubes. I worry about people so much...why dont i ever sit them down and talk to them about it? Well on the bright side after talking to my Sarah last night i feel a little better. I'm still so worried about her though. She seems so distant and i feel like its my fault. I hope its just the holiday workload bringing her down, at least that has a clear ending. I hope she knows that i love her and i'm gonna help her though this. I may not be able to help myself but i can help others...thats about the only thing i'm really good at. I'm always able to put a smile on someones face.

Lately i've been having odd dreams. Dreams about her have become the normal thing which i love, but recently i've been dreaming about my future children. I might not be ready at this point in time but dear god i want kids so bad. I want a little daughter i can spoil rotten. I want someone i can shower my love onto and never need to worry about a 'bad breakup.' I know already when my kids enter this world i'm no longer gonna be living for myself. I wanna teach them about life. I wanna show them right and wrong. I want them to learn from my mistakes and lead a better life than i ever dreamed of. But most of all i want them to love their father. I want them to be able to come to me about anything and everything. I never had a good relationship with my father, and i know how hard that is. I guess my last thoughts before i continue Operation Get Ready For Work is i feel alone but its getting better, she's fixing it for me and i love her for that.

Todays song of the day is Joe Satriani - I Believe

soundtrack to your escape

99% of my life is to music, i sleep to music, i wake up to music, music is always playing when im home, music on the way to work, music at work, music when i hang out with friends. I guess you can say music is my life. I've been playing guitar since i was 14. I've always believed that someone who is a musician appreciates music much more than the casual listener. This is the main reason people like Joe Satriani and Alex Skolnick will never become mainstream. I also tie specific points in my life to certain bands and certain CD's. For instance, Pearl Jam's cd Vitalogy brings me straight back to junior year of high school. The first Weezer album brings me back to Moe. The Offspring brings me back to the condos. I sit and look at the way things are right now and i'm not very happy. I miss high school. I had a fuckin blast there. People always told me to treasure those days cause they are the best days of your life...man they aint kidding. Sure it was a bitch waking up at fuckin 6 in the morning every morning but i was going to a place where ALL my friends were. I miss drooling over Miss Gentlecore. I miss smoking in the bathrooms with John. I miss sneaking off to the orchard with a few people and getting stoned. I miss trying to sneak onto peoples buses and go home and hang out with them with no way home. I miss having no license and having to walk 5 miles in the snow to see my girl. I miss hanging out with Sarah. Still cant believe her parents didnt think we were fucking (we really werent). I miss hanging out in Matt's room and getting stoned and watching the dumb polock next door dip a tennis ball in gasoline, light it, and throw it in a bush. I miss going to Warrens and coaxing his little brother and little sister to fight. I miss spending weeks at a time at Steves and getting nothing done at all. I miss the space invaders minigame in MKII that we played more than MK. Now all i have to look forward to is going to work and sleeping. Stressing about bills. Living from paycheck to paycheck. I dont want this life. I want to go back to my youth. Even though my father was a drunk abusive asshole i miss my house. I miss my old room. It was small but it was mine. I can't even pinpoint when everything changed. I guess thats because i keep all the good memories close to me and the bad ones i block out. I guess freedom comes at a price. But i should appreciate that i had a fun youth. Some people arent so lucky. Some people really resent their youth. I'm lucky i can look back and smile. But goddammit i hate this life i live now.

Todays song of the day is Opeth - To Rid The Disease

I HAS A BUCKET!

I remember going to my nana's house for all the major holidays, easter, thanksgiving, xmas eve. Back then the family was really close. We would all pile into the car and drive down to Garfield to spend the day there. I remember for christmas she would always have the most beautiful tree loaded with presents. More gifts than could be fit underneath the tree. Thanksgiving would always be a feast...she always went all out cooking. Easter she would always have an easter egg hunt. And those times i was the youngest by a large margin so i knew it was done just for me. I always looked forward to the holidays for that reason alone. We did that for years. Then my grandfather died. From that day forward my nana was never the same. I guess i cant really understand how she felt losing her husband of so many years. But she perservered and things went on the same as usual. Then one day my father gets a call that nana had a heart attack and passed away. This was to be the blackest day of my families history as far as i've seen. She was always a healthy woman, never smoked, rarely drank, just out of the blue her heart gave out. I didnt cry. I did what i always did when there was a death in the family...i put on the song 'Sins of Omission' and mourned in my own way. I refuse to hear that song unless there is a death in the family. After that my sister did her best to be the matriarch to the family holidays, and i know she really tries but its not the same. I miss my nana. And now christmas 2006 is coming up. I've never felt so alone in my life.

Todays song of the day is Testament - Sins of Omission

"Do you realize how dangerous that is?"

I was formally introduced to drugs when i was 14...i can thank Matt for that one. This may sound like the scene from Half Baked but him and Nate told me 'oh you prolly wont get high the first time you smoke'...needless to say i got completely fucking wasted. That whole summer was about getting stoned, skating, and the trampoline with the skateboard deck with no trucks on it. I really did have alot of fun. I really had alot of fun with the old crew. Matt, other Matt (fuck i know alot of matt's) Nate B, Evan, Warren, Kristen, Maureen, Steve, and James. I really miss those people...the only one i kept in touch with was Steve. Steve and i spent alot of time hanging out during my junior/senior years even though he didnt go to the same high school as me. I guess thats around when i grew away from my 'skater' friends and moved onto my 'metal' friends. I still hung out with Warren once in awhile since he lived 3 houses away...he was my computer geek friend, the one who got me into computers. Maureen was around too...we went out off and on all through middle/high school...but thats a totally different post all in itself. I miss my old friends i really do. I think on it sometimes and i dont know why we grew apart...i guess it just happens. Middle school really was fun but high school was a blast. There were so many cliqs and i was one of the lucky ones that really wasnt labeled as anything, i hung out with all the groups. I guess if you had to classify me i would've been part of the 'metalheads.' I remember study hall for some reason...i always slept through it. Until Justine got moved there. She was a trip...i'd constantly hit on her and i could tell she was interested but she always played hard to get. Funny how we had so many oppritunities to actually go out but we never did. I guess thats the friendship we had, the perpetual 'on the fence' friendship. I remember Cliffwood Lake like it was yesterday. I think i had my best times there. Pretty much an entire neighborhood of friends. Sad that i didnt live there but i went there for weeks at a time during the summers. Which brings me to one of my lowest times. Steve and I had like zero money most of the time so weed was kinda hard to come by. So sometimes we would huff air fresheners. It's not something im proud of but it happened. I remember it being a very short and 'dull' high, until one day we decided to try Rustoleum. God i wish i could go back in time and never do that. I knew how dangerous it was. I remember going to the park and doing it. It was an incredibly focused high. I could almost compare it to weed being like a water pistol and this being like a hot laser. It was almost like being blacked out for 20 minutes at a click but retaining some memory. Eventually other people started doing it. The memory that sticks in my mind is one night with me, Steve, and Sue. Sue was a friend...i wouldnt say she was a good friend, but i also wouldnt degrade her as just an aquaintance. We were all at the park on the swings and we were doing our thing. We used ziploc bags for the actual huffing. I remember just finishing taking a hit and seeing Sue standing against the support bars to the swings. But i was so fucked up i thought it was Moe. At that point in time i was going through one of the many breakups with her. All i remember is stumbling over to Sue and kissing her like i kissed Moe so many times. I dont remember much after that. But after i came to i felt so guilty. It was at that time i called all the guys from the neighborhood, went to the rock in the lake, and we had one final throwdown with that stuff. I havent touched it since. After that in typical fashion we started to lose touch, but Steve remains to this day. I guess what im trying to say is i really miss all my old friends, i hope they know i loved them dearly.

Todays song of the day is Weezer - We Are All On Drugs

Confession

Now ive never been a church-going man and i dont believe i should worship any person or entity, but recently i've been concerned about my status in 'The Big Wheel'. And to be perfectly honest i've been considering going to church for a full confession, which ive never done before. But that begs the question...'what good would it do to confess my sins to another man? Another man who pays bills, goes to work, drives along in his metal coffin the same as i do?' what grants him the ability to absolve me of what i've done? Theres only really 2 people in this world that i can trust, should i confess to one of them about my terrible past? And if i do that will they ever look at me the same again? Of those 2 people only 1 has a deep grasp of who i really am. I've walked alone for years and for the most part it hasn't bothered me much...until recently. I've always thought i was better off alone as to not burden others with my problems or hurt them with my sometimes inflated sense of being. During that time of not caring whether i was alone i was very heavily into drugs, one of my major sins. Perhaps that dulled me to the point of not knowing what i need. Sure theres been people in and out of my life, and i love my family...i really do. And i miss them so badly. During the swansong of my addiction i've pushed almost all of my family so far from me that i dont know if i can ever recapture them. I haven't seen my aunt down in Toms River in 3 years. Aside from holidays i havent seen my sister in 2 years. And its been longer since ive been able to sit down and talk to any of them. Maybe im ashamed at this point. I'm on my 2nd month of sobriety as of now and i cant lie to myself...im tempted. Theres so much going on right now thats stressing me out. But when it comes down to it i cant fall off this wagon. This might be what i need to tip my Karma scales into the good side again...which god knows i need right now. Lately i've felt nearly as hopeless as i used to, which scares me to death because that hopelessness brought me to another sin more than once. The sin i'm most ashamed of...and that cripples me from doing what i want to do. A guy at work is always asking me to go shooting with him...'hey you should get a license and get yourself some guns...shooting is a great stress reliever.' Deep down i want to...it really interests me, but i simply cannot trust myself with a gun in my hand. I would never turn a gun on another person. Is that instability gonna prevent me from being a good father and husband in the future? I believe when i first lay eyes on my first child all this will change, the emptiness will dissipate and i will have a pure reason to go on. I think i've taken the first step in that regard...i met someone so special to me in the past couple months, and she wants what i want. I've dated other girls and ive had a few long-term relationships in the past but it never lasted. Be it my fault or theirs they ended. I have a really hard time connecting with people, especially of the opposite sex. People know me as the laid-back, fun, loose-tongued guy that always makes people laugh. Perhaps i was always guarded about how i feel and what i am with women in fear of frightening them away. I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Todays song of the day is A Perfect Circle - Passive

what exactly is a Psychodelic Rainbow Turkey anyway?

What exactly is a lie? Is it as simple as falsehood or is it the desire to make that falsehood true that brings people to lie? I've always dealt with liars in my life and myself have not been completlely truthful in my journey. Usually when i can tell someone is lying to me i try to read 'why' they are lying to me...is it because they dont want me to know the truth or is it because they want me to believe something that isnt there? In that respect i determine how i should react to the lie itself. Either i get angry or i try to understand why the lie is born to begin with. Also it depends on who the lie comes from. But to delve deeper is to question why a person would choose to be dishonest rather than honest. My belief is that upbringing is a major determining factor in this, you're taught to what degree the wrongness is in a lie at a very early age...by your parents. Now in the case of one or both parents not being present you learn from your surroundings. I am no different. I learned from my parents right and wrong. I strive to be a good person with almost everything i do or say. But theres always that vengeful side of me that comes out...determined to undermine and scar whoever i see fit. I thank my father for that side of me, teaching me the value and ability to hate. Most would see that as a negative but in different situations its very important. Does that make me a bad person? That i have no problems bringing my fists up to protect what i believe in? Can i be saved?

Todays song of the day is Testament - Musical Death