Confession

Now ive never been a church-going man and i dont believe i should worship any person or entity, but recently i've been concerned about my status in 'The Big Wheel'. And to be perfectly honest i've been considering going to church for a full confession, which ive never done before. But that begs the question...'what good would it do to confess my sins to another man? Another man who pays bills, goes to work, drives along in his metal coffin the same as i do?' what grants him the ability to absolve me of what i've done? Theres only really 2 people in this world that i can trust, should i confess to one of them about my terrible past? And if i do that will they ever look at me the same again? Of those 2 people only 1 has a deep grasp of who i really am. I've walked alone for years and for the most part it hasn't bothered me much...until recently. I've always thought i was better off alone as to not burden others with my problems or hurt them with my sometimes inflated sense of being. During that time of not caring whether i was alone i was very heavily into drugs, one of my major sins. Perhaps that dulled me to the point of not knowing what i need. Sure theres been people in and out of my life, and i love my family...i really do. And i miss them so badly. During the swansong of my addiction i've pushed almost all of my family so far from me that i dont know if i can ever recapture them. I haven't seen my aunt down in Toms River in 3 years. Aside from holidays i havent seen my sister in 2 years. And its been longer since ive been able to sit down and talk to any of them. Maybe im ashamed at this point. I'm on my 2nd month of sobriety as of now and i cant lie to myself...im tempted. Theres so much going on right now thats stressing me out. But when it comes down to it i cant fall off this wagon. This might be what i need to tip my Karma scales into the good side again...which god knows i need right now. Lately i've felt nearly as hopeless as i used to, which scares me to death because that hopelessness brought me to another sin more than once. The sin i'm most ashamed of...and that cripples me from doing what i want to do. A guy at work is always asking me to go shooting with him...'hey you should get a license and get yourself some guns...shooting is a great stress reliever.' Deep down i want to...it really interests me, but i simply cannot trust myself with a gun in my hand. I would never turn a gun on another person. Is that instability gonna prevent me from being a good father and husband in the future? I believe when i first lay eyes on my first child all this will change, the emptiness will dissipate and i will have a pure reason to go on. I think i've taken the first step in that regard...i met someone so special to me in the past couple months, and she wants what i want. I've dated other girls and ive had a few long-term relationships in the past but it never lasted. Be it my fault or theirs they ended. I have a really hard time connecting with people, especially of the opposite sex. People know me as the laid-back, fun, loose-tongued guy that always makes people laugh. Perhaps i was always guarded about how i feel and what i am with women in fear of frightening them away. I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Todays song of the day is A Perfect Circle - Passive